Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
It has been months since my last post. The reason I started blogging was to tell my story. The past posts about how I ended up being different was my real objective and now that I've finally been able to tell it, I somehow feel that there's nothing left to blog about.
Sure life goes on. But as of now, I feel that everything that defines who I am has already happened. All that's left ahead are the consequences of the choices I've made.
I don't know if I'll be able to blog more about what's happening now. I just don't think its that important. I've said what I've wanted to.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The way technology has become almost indispensable in our lives is starting to look way out of control for me. I'm supposed to be going to the beach!
Friday, September 12, 2008
in September of 2005, I went on vacation to one of the best beaches in this country. It seemed like a dream - the perfect place, and with my then special someone.
This September 14 - 16, I'll be going back again. This time i'll be meeting and spending that time with my recent X (not the one I was with before), the one who treated me the way I've always wanted and the reason I'm having difficulty moving on.
I have to find out again why I let go. I dunno what to expect. I need closure because everything was great but I had to let go then.
I'm hoping that the magical effect that was there 3 years ago, is still in that place. Then I'll to move on.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Well that pretty well sums up what I know about myself. You guys know more about me than my close friends and parents. Thanks for the encouraging comments. I wish I could address them individually but I'll have to wait for that moment when I can push myself to write :)
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
In psychiatry I learned that behavioral & personality disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, Somatoform Disorder result from the inability of a person to deal with anxiety or stress. Treatment takes place over a long period of time in which success means that the client has achieved self-awareness and now can consciously find ways to cope with the anxiety and stress whatever the cause.
I didn't go into therapy. I don't think I reached the point where I could be diagnosed with any disorder although I do have some obsessive-compulsive traits. But like those undergoing treatment, achieving self-awareness has been a slow process (and is still ongoing).
But is achieving self-awareness really worth it if it makes you realize that more than 10 years of your life has been wasted? I've drifted away from good friends, missed out on many opportunities to be happy because I couldn't love myself, became attracted to people for the wrong reasons, prioritized the wrong things... I sometimes think that it's better to know nothing at all.
The "what ifs" haunt me everyday:
"what if" I received more support to improve myself physically years back?
"what if" there was a better balance between studies and social activities?
That's closely followed by regrets and blaming. At which point in the past should I have taken charge of my life? Was it only that pill that could have brought about hope?
I feel that I'm only starting to live right now. Memories of the past are blurred. Only very few stand out and even those are now painful to remember because no matter how good they were, they are wasted experiences because I went through them with the wrong perception and for the wrong reasons.
I wish I could have 10 years of my life back - my high school and college years where good friends and lovers should have been found, where memorable relationships should have been build... where life should have started for me.... where I didn't have to live a lie.
How the @#%^*! do you move forward if you don't know which way forward is!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Its beginning to feel a lot like christmas.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Would you still study for it?
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Can't wait to see what the day has instore.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The thing is, though, this is the first time I've actually gone through dating and "getting to know" others... It really doesn't work for me.
I guess I believe in love at 1st sight. If I have to exert effort to win someone over, I always end up thinking... "shouldn't he prove himself too?"
Just because I'm immediately sure I like someone doesn't make me the one who should prove himself.
My inability to love myself because of my poor self-image had affected me emotionally, physically, spiritually (I sometimes blamed God), and was a major determining factor in my sexuality.
But now things had changed drastically. I actually "liked" who I saw in the mirror and in the photographs. Things should be OK right? but it wasn't.
After 10 years of insecurity and low self worth, it wasn't that easy to make a U-turn. I couldn't just be all confident all of a sudden. But slowly, I started prioritizing myself, pampering myself, and taking care of myself better.
During this time I was in a 2-year relationship with someone whom my old self (and even the new me) would think to be too good to be true - good looking, tall, well built, loyal to me, loved me... but there was a catch. I posted about it in "???????" and "As Good As it Gets"
Yes, I let that person go. I could never have done that had I not felt some sense of self worth. Even if I was not happy, I would not have been able to let go of that person if I wasn't learning to love myself - this was the strongest proof I had that I had indeed changed.
But there were questions now. Those that bothered me the most were:
- I wasn't sure where I stood (sexually) now. Now that the major reason why I was living this alternative lifestyle was gone I didn't know where I was exactly.
- I don't know if I know how to love. My past relationships weren't based on love in the proper sense. I was attracted to my partners because I thought they could fill my perceived inadequacies. I don't think I was really in-love with them.
If only I took the lyrics of Whitney's song to heart years earlier:
"The greatest love of all
is easy to achieve.
Learning to love yourself
is the greatest love of all."
Friday, August 22, 2008
In my previous post I mention that IF I learned to feel good about myself, my whole (outlook on) life would change. The problem was that the #1 source of my inability to love myself was my weight. I weighed 105lbs for almost 15 yrs! It was ok when I was younger but as I got older I looked like I was starving.
The problem was that eating really wasn't something I enjoyed. Add this to the fact that I had a bit of obsessive-compulsive traits in me. When I was doing something, I could hardly be bothered to eat. When I was struggling with anxiety I didn't want to eat.
It was enough for me not to fill hungry but I rarely felt full (of food). For most it's difficult to loose weight but I suffered from the opposite.
I knew what the source of my poor self image was, but it was next to impossible for me to do something about it. I tried all kinds of appetite stimulants but none worked for me. Forget about being content and happy because every time I looked in the mirror or saw a picture of myself... and I didn't like what I saw.
After finishing my medical degree, I postponed specialty training and worked in a private clinic. One day, a person who supplied some medicines to the clinic mentioned that she use to be skinny and a certain Chinese medication worked wonders for her appetite. She gave me the name of the pill and where to buy it.
Of course I was skeptical, but I just tried it anyway...
It worked! I suddenly had this craving for food. Even bland tasting food tasted good to me. I would get up during midnight to get something to eat and during mornings I didn't care if I was late for work as long as I ate breakfast. I was full all the time and kept eating all the time.
In a matter of 3 months, I gained 25 lbs! that was enough to change my life. Clothes fit better, I started going to the gym regularly and I liked the way I looked in pictures!
There are days when I feel as if I wasted my time when I should have started my specialty training, then I remember that If I started training immediately I would have never been able to meet the lady who told me about this pill. I would have been the same old miserable me.
Monday, August 18, 2008
I seem to have been pretty self-absorbed lately. Maybe its the fact that the 1-year anniversary of my being single is nearing *sigh* I didn't realize I was isolating myself again until I read the post of one of the Seasons.
My friends have been going through their own ups and downs and I really haven't been there for them. Physically I've been present but that's it. I haven't been reading between the lines pretty well lately.
I need to snap out of whatever is bothering me. (yep, I still don't know)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I guess if you're an introvert, looking back and analyzing one's self is inevitable. Even if I was drowning in my own misery and insecurities, I was also trying to understand what was happening to me.
It took years but slowly & painfully understanding of myself dawned. You see I HATED MYSELF. I didn't recognize that at first but when you hate cameras, get upset when you see yourself in photos or videos, and start loathing meeting up with relatives because all they say is, "you're so thin", you start to get the idea that something's bothering you.
My #1 issue was that I was thin (105lbs)... not lanky... just plain skinny. I mean there are people who look good even if they're skinny but I wasn't as lucky. I had sunken cheeks, dark circles around my eyes, my elbows were deadly weapons, my being a bit bow-legged was more prominent because I was skinny... ...
I liked clothes but no matter if I choose loose or tight fitting clothes none would look good on me. Shorts was out of the question (there goes enjoying the water). Shopping for clothes always ended up in frustration. But my partners usually looked good whatever they wore so I enjoyed (at least I think I did) shopping with them for clothes and commenting of how they looked in them... Then I would go home and feel bad for myself.
It didn't help at all when relatives said that it was because I had a fast metabolism, or that I just needed to eat more. It didn't work
Then one day, it just occurred to me that if I felt good about myself, my whole outlook on life would change. I was right.
[PS: In January 2007 I posted "The Simplest Explanation" which relates how I realized and accepted I was different. That was how I remember it back then. My recent posts are about how I believe I came to be that way.]
Monday, August 11, 2008
Before I continue my story I guess I have to clarify a few things. I know that my post Why I Am Who I Am and subsequent posts didn't really sound as if they were life changing. That's the reason I wasn't able to post it for the past 3 years - I don't know how to put into words how much regret and "what-ifs" are in that post.
I guess we're all looking at it as the adults we are now and things seem trivial. How I wish I knew the things I know now back then when I was a kid.
Yes it was INSECURITY, low self esteem that I blame for the direction I was pushed in - I say "pushed" because when realization stepped in, it was too late to go back.
Oh, I have nice things to say about myself when I was a kid... I was studious, obedient, friendly, kind, God-fearing, intelligent... the inside stuff was AOK! but somehow that didn't matter to me. It was the outside that counted. I wasn't vain but its really hard to explain *sigh*
My only defense is that throughout the 10 years of elementary and highschool I struggled with myself. I couldn't ask others for help because I myself didn't know what was wrong. The concept that I was headed towards an alternative lifestyle NEVER EVER entered my mind until college... I wish I considered it earlier.
Anyways, my story goes on...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Until I realized Why I Am Who I Am, my relationships were all doomed. I was attracted to individuals who had the attributes I didn't - looks, a sense of humor, a nice physique. That's not so different from others, right? but where others were actually attracted physically to others, mine was more of a need. (deep, *sigh*)
I thought it was love...
It was just me trying to make up for my insecurities by constantly needing to be with someone who had the attributes I wanted. I ended up loosing myself. I was possessive, jealous, controlling and eventually desperate when reality would set it that I was still "me" and would never be the person I was with.
In most of those relationships, I lost myself because I kept identifying with my partner - the person I wanted to be. Without that person, I felt I was nothing. Reality would strike when we were with other people. Others would be attracted to my partner but not to me and that totally destroyed that fantasy I was living in. What I thought was jealousy was envy.
Some of them actually cared for me, but I rarely gave them the chance to show it. I was the one who handled the relationship, made the decisions... in reality I was telling them in my own way that "this is the way I want to be treated" BUT I never felt I deserved to be treated that way. I was skeptical at the few people that actually showed they cared for me, thinking them to be desperate or stupid.
I became a "martyr" in my relationships. I couldn't bring myself to do things for myself without feeling guilty. It was always my partner - the person I wanted to be - who came first, because deep inside I wanted that person to be me... So I was doing things for me (psychologically) but never really feeling it = frustration = depression = interpersonal conflicts
Friday, August 8, 2008
Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality.
There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports...
There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.
It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.
I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.
So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
the purpose of my blogging was supposedly to let other people get to know who I really am, the way I know myself. It's been 3 years since I've started blogging and I haven't been able to finish the post which should have been the very 1st one: "Why I Am Who I Am"
This isn't even that post, yet. Why the long delay? I've gotten through a few drafts these past years and I haven't followed through because It either was too long or too boring, usually a combination of both.
I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that there's really no big event that took place that lead me in this direction. Who I am now was not a result of a dramatic incident. And my life really isn't that exciting.
But I'll try (maybe successfully this time) to actually post the things on my mind. Let's hope that the transition from though to written words will be as smooth as possible.
hello friends and readers. It's been quite a while - almost 3 months - before I could come up with something to write. It's difficult being a bit of a compulsive person because if there's nothing to stimulate me to write, i can't think of anything no matter how hard I try.
I'm sorry i haven't been keeping up with your lives either. I'll try to keep up starting now.
For those who know me, at least you know that whenever I go quiet, it means that my life has become so monotonous that I have nothing to write about... but it also means that things are Ok.
I'm back and I'll try to stay
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
"...I've been good kid, son, a brother - with my whole life; with one "mistake?" they cannot accept and understand me. I am not a killer, neither nor a gambler, to be hated and treated this way. I am their son, their brother..."
It breaks my heart. I know what he feels. It's not just the words you hear from the people you love that hurt, its the feeling that you're a disappointment to them, that you've hurt them. I don't know which is worse.
Sometimes I'd like to shout to everyone's face that it wasn't a choice, there wasn't a defining moment when anyone of us chose this path. It isn't an illness that can be cured.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A year ago I made this post about my then 2-year relationship. Basically I wanted more than what the person could offer. I knew I was loved, but I wanted to feel that I was, not just know.
I let go of that person then. But that was the person I really really wanted things to work out with. I wanted be content with what I had. I tried to rationalize that physical expressions of affection - hugs, cuddles, kisses, an arm on your shoulder was not as important as loyalty and KNOWING that I am loved.
But I couldn't be content. I let go. I wasn't the only one who got hurt.
Now, after a year we crossed paths again. Everything feels the same. I haven't lost any feelings I had before. Everything and everyone around me just vanishes whenever we're together. I know I've been missed as well. I know that we both want to say that things will be the same again.
Nothing has changed. That's what's holding me back. Nothing has changed. I am still loved but I want to feel it, too.
There's always this question: "would you rather be with someone you love? or with someone who loves you?" - I always answer, "with the one I love."
Then why is it so difficult now?
Friday, April 25, 2008
Barbara said that it's human nature to want what other's have... then I'm VERY, VERY human! I came across this video on youtube. Instead of going "awwwww", "how cute", "i'm happy for them"... this turned out to be the most depressing video i've seen:
I've been to exactly 2 of those same places where those pictures where taken. I was there with someone special, too. But it wasn't the same... what that video showed, i felt... but somehow it wasn't mutual.
I want what they have; what they share; the friends with whom they could be themselves enough to have their pictures taken like that; to have feelings reciprocated...
...and it's just purely coincidence that my ipod is now playing "Mine Again" by Mariah Carey!
... there go the tears
I was there. I made a video out of the pics, too, 2 years ago. I was just always behind the camera waiting to be invited into the spotlight.
It's not the person I want back, I've moved on. I just want the feelings back.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Often, the friendships that last are those we made in High School. I think I've lost most of those but I'm fortunate to have found good friends in the various groups I've been. It's actually easier to find a romantic partner (whether short- or long-term) than to find good friends in my world.
I've found 3 good friends. Of course we have to call ourselves something... "SEASONS".. I guess some of you are laughing but I'm happy the way things are :). By the way I'm autumn haha!
Since we're on the subject of happiness, I'm happy for my 3 friends. They're all going steady with someone. What gets me is that it makes it more difficult to feel happy for myself. One of these days we're all going to go out; maybe for dinner, badminton, bowling... I'll be the odd-man out - no one to hold my hand, to whisper sweet-nothings to...
If I don't go out with them, I'll feel and look pathetic. But if I do...
Don't get me wrong they're great to be with. Just can't help but feel at bit envious (ok, maybe a lot).
(Sigh) Leaves are falling.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
In a previous post by my blogger friend, Barbara, she asked the opinion of her readers if happiness was really a choice. I agreed that happiness is a conscious choice we make. But again I'm presently realizing that it's a difficult choice and it always depends on how contented we are with what we have.
When I say it's a choice, I automatically try to be happy but that's not the way it works. All I end up doing is pretending to be happy, hoping that somehow what I'm showing on the outside will overcome what I really feel inside.
There is one sure way to be happy, though - help others. That never fails. Maybe because when you're helping others you forget about yourself and you feel happy when that person gets through his or her ordeal. Of course you'll again go back to your miserable self afterwards... That's why you have to help another person.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
My present fascination with audiobooks reminded me of a 'speed reading' program I had when I was in high school. The program came via cassette tapes (remember those?) and a booklet. According to the program, most people can read only as fast as they can speak.
Look at how kids are taught language - they start with letters and the sounds the letters represent. Then they move on to words (combinations of letters) and the sounds the combinations make. As the years go by the association between letters (and words) and their sounds become automatic - we see a word, and the 'sound' automatically pops up in our head, then our brains process the meaning.
But the flaw in this way of learning is that we have to HEAR the word, whether aloud or silently in our heads, before our brain can give us the meaning of the word. For example:
Compare that with the picture at the start of this post. They both represent the same thing. But the interpretation of S-U-N-F-L-O-W-E-R takes just a tiny bit longer for our brains to process because we convert it to sound before we look for the meaning. But we didn't do that when we saw the picture. The image was immediately interpreted without the need to convert it to sound.
Look at our other senses - whenever we smell, taste, or touch something there is no need to convert what we sense to a sound. It automatically goes straight to the interpretation part of the brain.
Even if the conversion of words to sound is very fast, they all add up when you're reading materials with thousands of words, like books, for example. Plus it adds to the workload of the brain so it gets tired faster.
Ever wonder how kids who are born deaf learn to read? They are taught that the picture of the sunflower and the combination of S-U-N-F-L-O-W-E-R point to the same thing without the need to hear the word.
Unfortunately most need to hear the words we read before we allow our brains to give us their meanings. As a result, we can only read as fast as we can speak. In order for us to read faster, the program gives exercises that help UNLEARN the way we read.
Was the program successful for me? Yes it was... except for a small problem... it didn't address my problem of getting very sleepy just after reading a few paragraphs. ©
Friday, April 4, 2008
Every so often I get a gadget that brings out my obsessive compulsive side. The more customizable the gadget (and sometimes software) is, the more O-C I become.
I've been putting off getting an MP3 player for quite a while. For some reason listening to music while walking in a mall or riding a vehicle makes me disoriented and feel like I have a hangover. However a recent vacation to the province during which my brother and sister brought their ipods with them made me reconsider. The bad taste in music at the gym I go to was another reason.
5 days after getting home, I had an OC moment, surfed onto ebay and after 3 hours had my very own 16gb ipod touch. Music was just the start...
Music Videos - i'm not really fond of them, but i prefer them to full length movies since they're easier to download and convert. I don't even know why I put them onto my ipod but it's comforting to know that they're there.
Podcasts - where do I begin... daily motivational talks, short video clips, foreign language learning, news, photoshop tutorials, yoga, etc. etc. etc. No thanks to itunes i'm downloading hundreds of megabytes of stuff I doubt I'll ever listen to.
Audiobooks - it takes a good writer to transport me to the world he's created in his book. The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind was on of those. However listening to books is a lot of fun. I've started the 1st book of Harry Potter and I'm hooked.
In short, I'm downloading stuff of which only 10% is really what I need. I remember when I started blogging... I wanted to read all the blogs out there...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Some say that we can't go on chasing love, because like happiness, the more you chase after it the more elusive it becomes. They say that it'll just come at the right time. But what if all of us wait... then how do people find each other?
Shouldn't we make an effort to find it?
Saturday, March 8, 2008
As far as the body is concerned, the more blood supply an organ gets, the healthier it is. This is very true of the skin - the biggest organ in the body. Aside from drinking lots of water, a common skin care advice is to frequently massage or stimulate the skin to promote better blood flow.
I read a pamphlet that advised gently touching the face with the tips of the fingers to promote healthier skin. I tried it and it worked. But being a lazy person, it was too tiring to do that every time I took a bath.
Thanks to TV Home Shopping, I saw this gadget just for a lazy guy like me :p - the Derma Wand
It acts by sending out what seems like electrical pulses when it comes close to the skin. It works well if you want to stimulate the skin. I don't know about wrinkles and blemishes though. Haven't tried it for that purpose... yet.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Valentine's has passed (finally). It's been a while since I last celebrated this day alone. No matter how i rationalize that its just and ordinary day, It seems that going through that day alone isn't ordinary.
I've always been the type who falls at "1st sight"... I think i fall just seeing the person for the first time, not knowing anything else about him except maybe his name or alias. The last 3 relationships I had started that way and they lasted 1.5 yrs, 2 yrs, & 5 months. Quite successful i guess given the success rate of relationships of people like me.
A few weeks before Valentines I thought about trying to find that "someone" the conventional way. I mean going through the process of getting to know that person via dates... knowing his likes and dislikes, his habits, etc... it obviously didn't work since I was alone on Valentines :)
Well now I have 11 more months to find that perfect date :)
Friday, January 11, 2008
There really is a whole spectrum of gaydom. On one end there's the totally masculine kind who works out at the gym and is into extreme sports and on the other end is the cross-dresser who wears make-up and fabulous clothes. There were none of the extremes in the group I was with but neither were we all the same.
Most of us prided ourselves on being more on the "discreet" end of the spectrum rather than on the "loud" side. Sad to say, even within groups of people like me, discrimination also exists. Those who were a bit more "loud" and "effeminate" usually became the target of jokes and were taken less seriously by those WITHIN the group.
But it was these 2 such members of the group who were "man" enough to go out and help the 2 beaten-up men. I don't know if they even considered the possibility that they could get beaten up also if the suspects returned.
Of course during the course of helping, 1 friend dropped the guy he was carrying because some blood got to his arm (I doubt he added to the injury), and when medical personnel arrived, the other friend started throwing up because apparently he couldn't stand the sight of blood.
The point is, they were brave and were "man" enough to show it
Monday, January 7, 2008
As we neared the store we noticed a some commotion on the other side of the road. It appeared that a group of men, who maybe had too much to drink, where beating up 2 other men (who also had too much to drink). One guy fell to his attackers while the other managed to cross the road to the side of the store (by this time we - about 12 of us - were already inside the store). Unfortunately, the group of men caught up to him at the parking area and beat him up badly before leaving.
There were about 30 patrons inside the store and we were all looking at the guy lying just in the parking lot. I was looking, too, but I just didn't care. I kept thinking that it was their fault that they drank too much... then 2 other patrons went out to check on the guy lying in the parking lot. "Good for them", I though. They still had enough humanity in them to be concerned. Then, 2 of my friends rushed out to see if they could help. This time I felt ashamed of myself.
Not only did my 2 friends do whatever they could to help the man (which wasn't really much buy hey! they did something), they also went across the road to the other beat-up man and carried him to the side of the store.... (to be continued)