Monday, August 11, 2008

Not As Simple

Before I continue my story I guess I have to clarify a few things. I know that my post Why I Am Who I Am and subsequent posts didn't really sound as if they were life changing. That's the reason I wasn't able to post it for the past 3 years - I don't know how to put into words how much regret and "what-ifs" are in that post.

I guess we're all looking at it as the adults we are now and things seem trivial. How I wish I knew the things I know now back then when I was a kid.

Yes it was INSECURITY, low self esteem that I blame for the direction I was pushed in - I say "pushed" because when realization stepped in, it was too late to go back.

Oh, I have nice things to say about myself when I was a kid... I was studious, obedient, friendly, kind, God-fearing, intelligent... the inside stuff was AOK! but somehow that didn't matter to me. It was the outside that counted. I wasn't vain but its really hard to explain *sigh*

My only defense is that throughout the 10 years of elementary and highschool I struggled with myself. I couldn't ask others for help because I myself didn't know what was wrong. The concept that I was headed towards an alternative lifestyle NEVER EVER entered my mind until college... I wish I considered it earlier.

Anyways, my story goes on...

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