I have made the decision to accept my present circumstances. It's not contentment per se but I am hoping that will follow. I've been fighting my being all along - from my love life, to my schedule, my work, my financial reality - and have made stupid decisions that gave me regrets over the years.
I accept that I am single. Maybe I'll find love again someday but I accept the feeling of being alone for now. Hopefully, that will end those random dates that are more for the sake of company than the quality of company.
I accept that my work schedule will demand to be the priority of my life. All my personal plans are tentative at best because of the unpredictability of my work. I hope that this will put a stop to my compulsive shopping whenever frustration steps in.
I accept my financial status. - which isn't really much right now. I'm in over my head and I can't afford anything new. Everything I have right now works more than adequately for my needs and hobbies. I don't need newer gadgets, I just want them.
Another hard truth I have to accept about my life - my work, no matter how stressful, keeps me sane. I may have a hard time getting up in the morning especially on a holiday and I may think that I should be sleeping in late and enjoying the great weather, then spend the whole day relaxing maybe watching TV.
But the reality is I would be wide awake in my bed thinking of whom to possibly spend the day with and most likely turn to PR, Grindr, WeChat to try and hook up. It may or may not work. If it does, I'd find myself in a mall anticipating the "date" and get angry since he's bound to be late and then feel regret about spending what little money I have on a movie with someone not even capable of carrying on a simple conversation.
If it doesn't work, I'll drag myself out of bed before lunch and then regret staying in bed for too long. After lunch it'll be back to bed or try watching TV and procrastinate reading. Then before I know it, evening will arrive and I'll get mad at myself for wasting the day and not accepting the invite of some random guy on the net whom I'm not really that into, thinking that anything could be better than how I just spent my day.
The bitter truth is that when I'm at work, I can't make stupid compulsive decisions with regards to my social life. I can't blame myself for wasting time. I can't spend my money for anything aside from food - and I'm too lazy even to eat. And I won't have to go through the anxiety of trying to meet someone new.
So I really should be happy that I'm on duty on a holiday. I should. Yey :(
An 80yr old lady comes into the clinic. She's strong (for her age), sharp mind, good hearing, good eyesight, can walk fairly well with a cane for assistance. She's had a good life - her children have their own families and are doing well. A son is taking good care of her.
She has cancer - a big one in her neck. But otherwise she's fine. She wants to get an operation because, well, it's cancer...
How can I make her understand that it's not that simple a decision? A few years earlier, it would be an easy decision.
She might not survive the surgery. If she does, she might not fully recover and wish she didn't get the surgery in the first place. If she does survive, she might not survive the radiotherapy and chemotherapy that has to come after the surgery. If she does survive, she might not fully recover. If she does fully recover... that's a lot of "IFs".
How can I make her understand that the extra time the surgery MIGHT give her could be spent bedridden and totally dependent on her relatives?
How can I tell her that if she doesn't undergo surgery, she might even die of old age before the cancer kills her?
But then again, I'm not even sure of any of the above. They are all just possibilities.
And yet, I know more than she does. And I know once she undergoes surgery, there is no turning back. The end of her life is inevitably near and the cancer might not even have an effect on her lifespan. And surgery could.
It was drama day. I had few counselees but several were on an emotional high. I consider it a weird day at the hub when I get 3 girls who burst into tears and 2 of them hugging me:
Female counselee #1: Six weeks ago she noted flat "rashes" on her palms and soles. No pain, no itchiness, just flat redness. Like any tech savy individual she turned to the internet and searched for conditions that "fit" her symptoms. She found Secondary Syphilis but instead of confirming with a doctor she accepted the information as her "diagnosis" and suffered in worry and shame (even if she knew she didn't have any risk factors) for 6 weeks before finally deciding get herself tested.
Female counselee #2: Currently in a stable relationship but had a past relationship with someone from another country. She read in the internet about the high incidence of HIV in that country and started to worry. She read about the signs and symptoms of HIV+ persons and began to "feel" those symptoms herself until she was convinced she was HIV+. Several weeks later, she got tested.
Female counselee #3: she works in another country. One day she noticed several nodes on both sides of her neck. She consulted a doctor and the suspicion was TB. A blood test was requested (this was in another country) which came out negative. She was convinced that it was a false negative result so she searched the internet for reasons why that blood test would come out falsely negative and she focused on one - HIV - and she accepted that she had it. She applied for an extended vacation leave and came home. She knew she was loyal and her partner swore his loyalty, too. For 3 months she lived with the fear and worry of what HIV would do to her and what it would mean for her family. Then she got tested.
The Internet is great source of information (and I wish I had this much access when I was in Med School).
Information, especially medical information has to be placed in context. Nothing in Medicine is absolute. If you think you have something, check the internet and if you find something, go to a doctor for confirmation. Never diagnose yourself solely by information found in the internet even if you are in the medical field. Even doctors loose their objectivity when treating themselves or close family members.
And, if you think you have a sexually transmitted infection. Get tested NOW.