Our Only "Mistake"?

One of the Seasons was found out by his parents. It wasn't his choice, but someone else outed him because of selfish reasons. He's going through a difficult time right now.

"...I've been good kid, son, a brother - with my whole life; with one "mistake?" they cannot accept and understand me. I am not a killer, neither nor a gambler, to be hated and treated this way. I am their son, their brother..."

It breaks my heart. I know what he feels. It's not just the words you hear from the people you love that hurt, its the feeling that you're a disappointment to them, that you've hurt them. I don't know which is worse.

Sometimes I'd like to shout to everyone's face that it wasn't a choice, there wasn't a defining moment when anyone of us chose this path. It isn't an illness that can be cured.

As Good As It Gets

A year ago I made this post about my then 2-year relationship. Basically I wanted more than what the person could offer. I knew I was loved, but I wanted to feel that I was, not just know.

I let go of that person then. But that was the person I really really wanted things to work out with. I wanted be content with what I had. I tried to rationalize that physical expressions of affection - hugs, cuddles, kisses, an arm on your shoulder was not as important as loyalty and KNOWING that I am loved.

But I couldn't be content. I let go. I wasn't the only one who got hurt.

Now, after a year we crossed paths again. Everything feels the same. I haven't lost any feelings I had before. Everything and everyone around me just vanishes whenever we're together. I know I've been missed as well. I know that we both want to say that things will be the same again.

Nothing has changed. That's what's holding me back. Nothing has changed. I am still loved but I want to feel it, too.

There's always this question: "would you rather be with someone you love? or with someone who loves you?" - I always answer, "with the one I love."

Then why is it so difficult now?

Envy

Barbara said that it's human nature to want what other's have... then I'm VERY, VERY human! I came across this video on youtube. Instead of going "awwwww", "how cute", "i'm happy for them"... this turned out to be the most depressing video i've seen:

I've been to exactly 2 of those same places where those pictures where taken. I was there with someone special, too. But it wasn't the same... what that video showed, i felt... but somehow it wasn't mutual.

I want what they have; what they share; the friends with whom they could be themselves enough to have their pictures taken like that; to have feelings reciprocated...

...and it's just purely coincidence that my ipod is now playing "Mine Again" by Mariah Carey!

... there go the tears

I was there. I made a video out of the pics, too, 2 years ago. I was just always behind the camera waiting to be invited into the spotlight.

It's not the person I want back, I've moved on. I just want the feelings back.

Technorati Tags: envy,love,reminiscing,pain,regrets

Seasons

Often, the friendships that last are those we made in High School. I think I've lost most of those but I'm fortunate to have found good friends in the various groups I've been. It's actually easier to find a romantic partner (whether short- or long-term) than to find good friends in my world.

I've found 3 good friends. Of course we have to call ourselves something... "SEASONS".. I guess some of you are laughing but I'm happy the way things are :). By the way I'm autumn haha!

Since we're on the subject of happiness, I'm happy for my 3 friends. They're all going steady with someone. What gets me is that it makes it more difficult to feel happy for myself. One of these days we're all going to go out; maybe for dinner, badminton, bowling... I'll be the odd-man out - no one to hold my hand, to whisper sweet-nothings to...

If I don't go out with them, I'll feel and look pathetic. But if I do...

Don't get me wrong they're great to be with. Just can't help but feel at bit envious (ok, maybe a lot).

(Sigh) Leaves are falling.

Technorati Tags: friends,friendship,dating

Choosing to be Happy

In a previous post by my blogger friend, Barbara, she asked the opinion of her readers if happiness was really a choice. I agreed that happiness is a conscious choice we make. But again I'm presently realizing that it's a difficult choice and it always depends on how contented we are with what we have.

When I say it's a choice, I automatically try to be happy but that's not the way it works. All I end up doing is pretending to be happy, hoping that somehow what I'm showing on the outside will overcome what I really feel inside.

It's not happiness when you're smiling with a heavy heart. Making the choice   to be happy is the easy part. Feeling happy is the hard part

There is one sure way to be happy, though - help others. That never fails. Maybe because when you're helping others you forget about yourself and you feel happy when that person gets through his or her ordeal. Of course you'll again go back to your miserable self afterwards... That's why you have to help another person.

How to Read Faster

 

My present fascination with audiobooks reminded me of a 'speed reading' program I had when I was in high school. The program came via cassette tapes (remember those?) and a booklet. According to the program, most people can read only as fast as they can speak.

Look at how kids are taught language - they start with letters and the sounds the letters represent. Then they move on to words (combinations of letters) and the sounds the combinations make. As the years go by the association between letters (and words) and their sounds become automatic - we see a word, and the 'sound' automatically pops up in our head, then our brains process the meaning.

But the flaw in this way of learning is that we have to HEAR the word, whether aloud or silently in our heads, before our brain can give us the meaning of the word. For example:

S-U-N-F-L-O-W-E-R

Compare that with the picture at the start of this post. They both represent the same thing. But the interpretation of S-U-N-F-L-O-W-E-R takes just a tiny bit longer for our brains to process because we convert it to sound before we look for the meaning. But we didn't do that when we saw the picture. The image was immediately interpreted without the need to convert it to sound.

Look at our other senses - whenever we smell, taste, or touch something there is no need to convert what we sense to a sound. It automatically goes straight to the interpretation part of the brain.

Even if the conversion of words to sound is very fast, they all add up when you're reading materials with thousands of words, like books, for example. Plus it adds to the workload of the brain so it gets tired faster.

Ever wonder how kids who are born deaf learn to read? They are taught that the picture of the sunflower and the combination of S-U-N-F-L-O-W-E-R point to the same thing without the need to hear the word.

Unfortunately most need to hear the words we read before we allow our brains to give us their meanings. As a result, we can only read as fast as we can speak. In order for us to read faster, the program gives exercises that help UNLEARN the way we read.

Was the program successful for me? Yes it was... except for a small problem... it didn't address my problem of getting very sleepy just after reading a few paragraphs. ©

Technorati Tags: reading,language,advice,brain,learning

Ipod Touch: Another Pandora's Box

Every so often I get a gadget that brings out my obsessive compulsive side. The more customizable the gadget (and sometimes software) is, the more O-C I become.

I've been putting off getting an MP3 player for quite a while. For some reason listening to music while walking in a mall or riding a vehicle makes me disoriented and feel like I have a hangover. However a recent vacation to the province during which my brother and sister brought their ipods with them made me reconsider. The bad taste in music at the gym I go to was another reason.

5 days after getting home, I had an OC moment, surfed onto ebay and after 3 hours had my very own 16gb ipod touch. Music was just the start...

Music Videos - i'm not really fond of them, but i prefer them to full length movies since they're easier to download and convert. I don't even know why I put them onto my ipod but it's comforting to know that they're there.

Podcasts - where do I begin... daily motivational talks, short video clips, foreign language learning, news, photoshop tutorials, yoga, etc. etc. etc. No thanks to itunes i'm downloading hundreds of megabytes of stuff I doubt I'll ever listen to.

Audiobooks - it takes a good writer to transport me to the world he's created in his book. The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind was on of those. However listening to books is a lot of fun. I've started the 1st book of Harry Potter and I'm hooked.

In short, I'm downloading stuff of which only 10% is really what I need. I remember when I started blogging... I wanted to read all the blogs out there...

Baler, Aurora Outing

Searching or Waiting

Some say that we can't go on chasing love,  because like happiness, the more you chase after it the more elusive it becomes. They say that it'll just come at the right time. But what if all of us wait... then how do people find each other?

Shouldn't we make an effort to find it?

The Derma Wand

As far as the body is concerned, the more blood supply an organ gets, the healthier it is. This is very true of the skin - the biggest organ in the body. Aside from drinking lots of water, a common skin care advice is to frequently massage or stimulate the skin to promote better blood flow.

I read a pamphlet that advised gently touching the face with the tips of the fingers to promote healthier skin. I tried it and it worked. But being a lazy person, it was too tiring to do that every time I took a bath.

Thanks to TV Home Shopping, I saw this gadget just for a lazy guy like me :p - the Derma Wand

It acts by sending out what seems like electrical pulses when it comes close to the skin. It works well if you want to stimulate the skin. I don't know about wrinkles and blemishes though. Haven't tried it for that purpose... yet.