I guess if you're an introvert, looking back and analyzing one's self is inevitable. Even if I was drowning in my own misery and insecurities, I was also trying to understand what was happening to me.
It took years but slowly & painfully understanding of myself dawned. You see I HATED MYSELF. I didn't recognize that at first but when you hate cameras, get upset when you see yourself in photos or videos, and start loathing meeting up with relatives because all they say is, "you're so thin", you start to get the idea that something's bothering you.
My #1 issue was that I was thin (105lbs)... not lanky... just plain skinny. I mean there are people who look good even if they're skinny but I wasn't as lucky. I had sunken cheeks, dark circles around my eyes, my elbows were deadly weapons, my being a bit bow-legged was more prominent because I was skinny... ...
I liked clothes but no matter if I choose loose or tight fitting clothes none would look good on me. Shorts was out of the question (there goes enjoying the water). Shopping for clothes always ended up in frustration. But my partners usually looked good whatever they wore so I enjoyed (at least I think I did) shopping with them for clothes and commenting of how they looked in them... Then I would go home and feel bad for myself.
It didn't help at all when relatives said that it was because I had a fast metabolism, or that I just needed to eat more. It didn't work
Then one day, it just occurred to me that if I felt good about myself, my whole outlook on life would change. I was right.
[PS: In January 2007 I posted "The Simplest Explanation" which relates how I realized and accepted I was different. That was how I remember it back then. My recent posts are about how I believe I came to be that way.]
