My inability to love myself because of my poor self-image had affected me emotionally, physically, spiritually (I sometimes blamed God), and was a major determining factor in my sexuality.
But now things had changed drastically. I actually "liked" who I saw in the mirror and in the photographs. Things should be OK right? but it wasn't.
After 10 years of insecurity and low self worth, it wasn't that easy to make a U-turn. I couldn't just be all confident all of a sudden. But slowly, I started prioritizing myself, pampering myself, and taking care of myself better.
During this time I was in a 2-year relationship with someone whom my old self (and even the new me) would think to be too good to be true - good looking, tall, well built, loyal to me, loved me... but there was a catch. I posted about it in "???????" and "As Good As it Gets"
Yes, I let that person go. I could never have done that had I not felt some sense of self worth. Even if I was not happy, I would not have been able to let go of that person if I wasn't learning to love myself - this was the strongest proof I had that I had indeed changed.
But there were questions now. Those that bothered me the most were:
- I wasn't sure where I stood (sexually) now. Now that the major reason why I was living this alternative lifestyle was gone I didn't know where I was exactly.
- I don't know if I know how to love. My past relationships weren't based on love in the proper sense. I was attracted to my partners because I thought they could fill my perceived inadequacies. I don't think I was really in-love with them.
If only I took the lyrics of Whitney's song to heart years earlier:
"The greatest love of all
is easy to achieve.
Learning to love yourself
is the greatest love of all."
