Sunday, August 10, 2008

Doomed Relationships

frustrated Until I realized Why I Am Who I Am, my relationships were all doomed. I was attracted to individuals who had the attributes I didn't - looks, a sense of humor, a nice physique. That's not so different from others, right? but where others were actually attracted physically to others, mine was more of a need. (deep, *sigh*)

I thought it was love...

It wasn't.

It was just me trying to make up for my insecurities by constantly needing to be with someone who had the attributes I wanted. I ended up loosing myself. I was possessive, jealous, controlling and eventually desperate when reality would set it that I was still "me" and would never be the person I was with.

In most of those relationships, I lost myself because I kept identifying with my partner - the person I wanted to be. Without that person, I felt I was nothing. Reality would strike when we were with other people. Others would be attracted to my partner but not to me and that totally destroyed that fantasy I was living in. What I thought was jealousy was envy.

Some of them actually cared for me, but I rarely gave them the chance to show it. I was the one who handled the relationship, made the decisions... in reality I was telling them in my own way that "this is the way I want to be treated" BUT I never felt I deserved to be treated that way. I was skeptical at the few people that actually showed they cared for me, thinking them to be desperate or stupid.broken-hearts

I became a "martyr" in my relationships. I couldn't bring myself to do things for myself without feeling guilty. It was always my partner - the person I wanted to be - who came first, because deep inside I wanted that person to be me... So I was doing things for me (psychologically) but never really feeling it = frustration = depression = interpersonal conflicts

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