Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Wasted Years

In psychiatry I learned that behavioral & personality disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, Somatoform Disorder result from the inability of a person to deal with anxiety or stress. Treatment takes place over a long period of time in which success means that the client has achieved self-awareness and now can consciously find ways to cope with the anxiety and stress whatever the cause.

I didn't go into therapy. I don't think I reached the point where I could be diagnosed with any disorder although I do have some obsessive-compulsive traits. But like those undergoing treatment, achieving self-awareness has been a slow process (and is still ongoing).

But is achieving self-awareness really worth it if it makes you realize that more than 10 years of your life has been wasted? I've drifted away from good friends, missed out on many opportunities to be happy because I couldn't love myself, became attracted to people for the wrong reasons, prioritized the wrong things... I sometimes think that it's better to know nothing at all.

old clock

The "what ifs" haunt me everyday:

"what if" I received more support to improve myself physically years back?

"what if" there was a better balance between studies and social activities?

"what if..."

"what if..."

"WHAT IF..."

That's closely followed by regrets and blaming. At which point in the past should I have taken charge of my life? Was it only that pill that could have brought about hope?

I feel that I'm only starting to live right now. Memories of the past are blurred. Only very few stand out and even those are now painful to remember because no matter how good they wasted_by_wickedAlucardwere, they are wasted experiences because I went through them with the wrong perception and for the wrong reasons.

I wish I could have 10 years of my life back - my high school and college years where good friends and lovers should have been found, where memorable relationships should have been build... where life should have started for me.... where I didn't have to live a lie.

How the @#%^*! do you move forward if you don't know which way forward is!

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