The Sword of Truth

It was 1995 when I was introduced to the 1st book, "Wizard's First Rule", of the Sword of Truth Series by Terry Goodkind. That started the epic adventure of Richard, Kahlan, Zedd and many characters I really have become fond of through the years.

I know I sound overly dramatic but I've read other books and Mr. Goodkind is the first I have come upon whose books aren't hard to get into. I mean with other books it's usually read-visualize-imagine then read-visualize-imagine ... ... but with the Sword of Truth series I literally could picture the words I was reading. It was as if I was watching a movie.

Today, I finished the last book, Confessor, of the series. I actually feel sad. I know its a bit corny but in a way, I felt as if I was really a part of the epic journey and not just a reader. I hope someday, I come across another book or series that will allow my imagination to fly again.

Goodbye Richard & Kahlan.

Starting Over... and Over... and Over

Have you ever had those nights where you lie in bed thinking about all the things that you wish you could change, and then decide that, "Hey, starting tomorrow it'll be a whole new me"? You convince yourself that you'll learn to have a positive outlook, be content with what you have, learn to appreciate small things and be grateful for everything... and then before you realize it, it's the end of another day and you're exactly the same as yesterday.

That's been happening to me a lot of nights lately... I'm just glad that we all get sunrises everymorning... hey, maybe this will be the day.

Here We Go Again

2003 - then Lt. Antonio Trillanes IV took control of Oakwood Premiere Ayala Centre Hotel in Makati City, the financial capital of the Philippines. He was allegedly frustrated with the way the Philippine Government took (no) care of their own armed forces - inadequate equipment, inappropriate training, and poor compensation. After negotiations, the "Oakwood Mutiny" ended peacefully.

2007 - despite still ongoing court hearings because of his role in the "Oakwood Mutiny" Trillanes was allowed to run for a position in the Philippine Senate - he won.

November 29, 2007 - during one of the court hearings, Trillanes and his men suddenly walked-out of the courtroom and soon walked into the Manila Peninsula Hotel, just a few meters away from Oakwood and setup a "control center" there.

This latest incident, although had more action - teargas was used, ended up peacefully a few hours later.

Maybe he'll run for president in 2010...

As for now we have a 12mn-5am curfew as a security precaution.

It's either we Filipinos have a very short memory, or are just very forgiving people.

First Love

I should have been wrote about this long ago but I could never get past the first paragraph. I hope I get to finish this time.

I finally managed to move on after falling for my best friend. But it took me quite a number of years till I found a special someone. I think it was 3 years. Not that I think about it, I really must have been ugly to take so long to get someone. It wasn't as if I didn't go out - I didn't go to bars or other night spots, but thanks to the internet, especially MIRC, i managed to hook up with others few times a week.

It just happened that one of the persons I met up with brought a long his best friend. I guess it was love-at-first site for me - but that's always the case with me. Anyway the person I met up with wanted to go to bars which wasn't something I enjoyed, and fortunately his best friend didn't want to go either. So we just say in the van and got to know each other. I'm not sure if other people like me go through the whole dating and courtship stage... it's never happened to me... So after 3 days we were officially "partners".

We lasted about 4 months - I think he tried to make "us" work - but I guess he had someone else in mind. Anyway, my course that time required me to go out of town for a month-long internship. When I came back things were different and I didn't see him again for another 3 months. He said he was busy with his feasibility study. What really hurt that time was not knowing where I stood with him. I'd rather hear it out loud then be left in limbo.

Anyway that was the first of my relationships. I'll try to post about those that followed, too.

Wish I Had No Choice

Everyday that has passed by since my last post, I have been fighting the urge to reach out, just drop and forget my issues, and let things go back to the way it was. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't fight it and just give in... but somehow I want more time to think things over, to be able to clearly know what I want.

I wish I had no choice - because then all that would be left for me to do would be to accept. But I have a choice, and every hour of the day I'm torn over which of the choices to act on.

It's not as simple as asking, "do I love him?"

I Love the Way You Loved Me

You may never read this.

You were everything I always hoped for but never thought I'd find. You made me feel safe, protected, & loved. You gave me flowers. No matter how stubborn I was, you stepped back and remained patient with me. I know I was pushing your limits but you denied yourself the satisfaction of putting me in my proper place. You gave me flowers. You made me blush.

Why am I not fighting to keep you from going? I honestly don't know. It's not a question of love. If it was, then things would be a lot simpler. I've been looking deep inside trying to find out what's wrong but nothing makes sense.

Look at our big fights - they happened during those times when I should have been supportive and at your side. Instead, I added to your troubles. I'm starting to realize that I'm selfish, wanting everything to be about "me". I'd like to think that that's the reason I'm not putting up a fight. I'd like to think that I want you to be with someone a lot more deserving of your attention.

Part of me is hoping that you won't try to patch things up and let things be. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what I want.

Maybe if you read this, you'll try to get back together. Think things through - why would you want to do that? We both know that I'm not as big a loss to you as you are to me. Many would disagree but we both know its true. You have so much more to offer the person you love.

Maybe if you read this, you'll wish we never met. Maybe that would be best.

There are others who'll love me or would want the chance to love me. Maybe they'll love me more than you ever did. But, no one can express love the way you did.

You may never read this.

The reason for this post, I don't know. I don't know how to end it either. You gave me flowers.

All Saint's Day

Part of the culture here in the Philippines is that of respect for loved ones who have passed away. As early as October 30th people troop to the cemeteries where they spend time with their loved ones.

At the entrance to Eternal Gardens, a nearby cemetery

Getting ready to spend All Saints' Day

Mausoleums

Very much alive!

Exercising My Right to Vote

The 2007 Philippine Barangay (District) Elections

Why I voted (link)

New Worlds

"Each friend represents a world in us,
a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

In my post "Stranger to Friends", I mentioned that the realization of who I really am made me drift away from the friendships I had formed since my childhood. I was also a bit skeptical that is was possible to find real friends among people 'like myself' since friendship was always way down the list of reasons for meeting other people.

It seems that I may have been mistaken. I've been in this group, "Tropang Astig" for the past 5 months and I suddenly find myself genuinely concerned (that is without any romantic or naughty intentions) for most of the members... whether they're heartbroken, physically sick, depressed... I'm actually concerned.

Whether I get to build up strong friendships with these guys only time will tell. But for now, I'm happy because at least as far as I'm concerned - I have friends (again) =) 

Marriage Expires... ?

"Bavaria's most glamorous politician -- a flame-haired motorcyclist who helped bring down state premier Edmund Stoiber -- has shocked the Catholic state in Germany by suggesting marriage should last just 7 years.
After that time, couples should either agree to extend their marriage or it should be automatically dissolved, she said. [Yahoo! News]"

Well, this idea would have been so ridiculous few years back. But after almost daily news of couples divorcing or having their marriages annulled; abused children, wives, and sometimes husbands - I actually think its not such a far-fetched idea. Is the idea of couples living-in any less weird?

Re-Comment

Thank you guys for commenting on my posts. I'd like to dedicate this post to answering some of your comments.

Its Better To Give... If You Can Afford To
May: I'm taking up nursing :( *sigh*
Barbara: How come we always think its worth it when we go over our budget for someone we love?
Anonymous: it's a good idea...
Efren: trade? hehe

About Self Esteem
Barbara: well... i guess it's true that men (gay or straight) are visual creatures; straight men appear to gain more appeal as they get older, gay men are elderly once they reach 30 :)... i have lots of issues with self esteem... there's this post i haven't finished for more than a year...
Kansas Bob: ... although sometimes revenge is so appealing... but you're right. No one wins.

About Self Esteem

Scenario:

Ted is an accountant in his late 30s (which is very old in the gay world). He's already used to being turned down by guys everytime he visits bars. One night he notices a good-looking young guy apparently showing interest in him. At first he ignores the guy, thinking its too good to be true... but it turns out that the guy is interested in him... they hook up for the night. Ted thinks that its a start of something.

A few days later, Ted finds out that the guys idea of "charity" is occasionally hooking up with "pathetic" guys during special occasions but only for one night.

2 years later, Ted has worked out, had some cosmetic surgery done. He comes across the same guys (who is still good-looking). The guy doesn't recognize Ted and likes Ted (not love but at least really likes). Ted is still attracted to the guy but is decided on giving him a taste of his own medicine... so after a few dates and nights together, Ted dumps the guy (even if he likes him).

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Do you think that was the right thing to do? I mean the REALITY is Ted was right in thinking it was too good to be true... I mean hot young guy and him, nearing 40...

Shouldn't Ted be proud and happy for himself that he was able to improve himself to the point that the guy who thought he was pathetic and plays around with other guys did a U-turn and really liked Ted this time?

Was he justified in getting even? the guy didn't promise him anything when they first met.

I know we should have have good self esteem and a sense of self worth but sometimes i think we should be aware of reality too. I've been turned down (sometimes rudely) lots of times before... i don't think poorly of myself... but i know i'm not drop dead gorgeous (wish i was though). I've improved a lot (still not drop dead gorgeous) but a lot better than before... and if any guy who turned me down before likes me today, i don't think i'd hold any resentment against him for what he did in the past.

Its Better to Give... If You Can Afford to

Its been 2 weeks now that i've been feeling down. I first i couldn't place what was bothering me. Now i must be feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not happy with myself particularly my financial status. I have a post-graduate degree and i still don't earn enough to be on my own.

What really gets to me is I still can't buy things for the people I close to me. Call me materialistic but its one way I show them I care.

I want to buy a gift for my mom, an ipod for my sis, a psp for my brother, a camera for my boyfriend, and something for myself too. At my age i should be able to do that but i'll hve to decide who goes first... Then i'll feel guilty because I spent all my savings on one person =( and feel bad coz i have nothing left for myself.

Daybyday4-2day:
I think my parents know but i'm not sure. I think i've always known but i only realized it when i was 19.
Its more accepted nowadays but not like in some parts of the US.

I was brought up speaking english.
For me, its important that my partner has a sense of selfworth... Aside from the usual understanding, romantic & handsome of course :)

Battlestar Galactica

I enjoy movies about space, aliens, spaceships... Years ago I looked forward to episodes of the original Battlestar Galactica. I was excited when they announced to revive the series.

I bought dvd copies of the 1st 3 seasons. The 1st 2 seasons were ok but the 3rd season started to become a pain. I mean i got tired of crazy Gaius Baltar, the 'religious' robot Cylons, and the domestic issues they had in space - i mean labor unions, presidential elections, abortion debate, family problems... Where did the space dog fights go?!

3 more episodes to go... Its now just for the sake of finishing the series. Where's Spock when you need him? =)

More "Me!", "Me!", "Me!"...

July 31

My partner is still feeling a bit down.... and wonder of wonders - I'm starting to feel angry. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that I was jealous that someone else or something was making him feel depressed - and not me!... I should be the ONLY one who could make him feel depressed... Me! Me! Me!

...if i'm that inconsiderate, the next thing I would do would be to show him I'm irritable, angry for no reason at all. If he gets more depressed, i'd be happy because it means I'm still important to him... Me! Me! Me! - of course, instead of being of help to him i'd be another thing for him to worry about - which would feed my ego and make it feel better (sigh)

focus! focus! have to remember that i can't be the center of his world "all the time"...

...should be happy with "most of the time"

...or "half the time"

=(

It's Not Always About Me

I think I have this bad habit of making things always about "Me". It often happens when my special someone gets depressed... At the start I seem to be understanding (he has a stressful job), then I try to help.

But when he still is depressed, I start thinking, "hey, I'm here with you. You should be happy." and it's usually followed by, "Am I the reason you're depressed?"

Thankfully, most of the time, I don't say those thoughts out loud. But it has the bad effect of making me feel bad at the same time when someone needs my company. Those thoughts become a handicap making me unable to be genuinely concerned. It becomes about "me".

Your Chance to Test God

"Bring ye all the TITHES into the storehouse...
and PROVE me now, SAITH THE LORD of hosts,
if I will not open you the windows of heaven,
and pour you out a blessing,
that there SHALL NOT BE ROOM ENOUGH
to receive it."
-Malachi 3:10

This is my favorite Bible verse. I have difficulty with the idea of faith - the part that you believe in something you can't see. But this verse is simple: Give Tithe and God will bless me. Heck! He even challenges us to put Him to the test.

What is TITHE - It's simply 10% of everything you gain - income, allowance, interest, harvest... etc... If you earn $1000/month that means that $100 is your tithe. According to the Bible this Tithe belongs to God and SHOULD be returned to Him. In fact it's supposed to be Holy and SHOULD NOT be used even during life and death situations.

THE CHALLENGE:

Well, God himself said that we could test Him in this aspect... so if you decide to take up the challenge, when you receive your paycheck this end of the month, do the following:

1. Set aside 10% (Tithe) of your income - that's AFTER taxes and BEFORE again, BEFORE any bills or expenses.
2. Give the Tithe to your church immediately so that you won't be tempted to spend it. (It's not in God's hands if you still have it somewhere where you can get to it).
3. Wait for 1 month and see if God keeps His promise.

If you believe in God, you have nothing to loose, and a lot to gain.

If you don't believe in God, this is your chance to prove Him wrong.

Your Chance to Test God

"Bring ye all the TITHES into the storehouse...
and PROVE me now, SAITH THE LORD of hosts,
if I will not open you the windows of heaven,
and pour you out a blessing,
that there SHALL NOT BE ROOM ENOUGH
to receive it."
-Malachi 3:10

This is my favorite Bible verse. I have difficulty with the idea of faith - the part that you believe in something you can't see. But this verse is simple: Give Tithe and God will bless me. Heck! He even challenges us to put Him to the test.

What is TITHE - It's simply 10% of everything you gain - income, allowance, interest, harvest... etc... If you earn $1000/month that means that $100 is your tithe. According to the Bible this Tithe belongs to God and SHOULD be returned to Him. In fact it's supposed to be Holy and SHOULD NOT be used even during life and death situations.

THE CHALLENGE:

Well, God himself said that we could test Him in this aspect... so if you decide to take up the challenge, when you receive your paycheck this end of the month, do the following:

1. Set aside 10% (Tithe) of your income - that's AFTER taxes and BEFORE again, BEFORE any bills or expenses.
2. Give the Tithe to your church immediately so that you won't be tempted to spend it. (It's not in God's hands if you still have it somewhere where you can get to it).
3. Wait for 1 month and see if God keeps His promise.

If you believe in God, you have nothing to loose, and a lot to gain.

If you don't believe in God, this is your chance to prove Him wrong.

Clan Outing

-the private pool where we had our outing-

July 14-15, i joined the outing of my clan - all guys 'like me'. I didn't expect many members to attend and was hoping that at least 15 would go. Turned out 32 members went. We had a great time - wholesome, of course :) and most surprising of all was that there wasn't much overt flirting going on... Maybe at the next outing...

Fellowship

-this is my church during group discussion-

Do you participate in groups activities at your church or office place? I'm not really fond of such activities. I don't think i'm anti-social but somehow group activities with people i barely know really stress me out.

... They've said that participating in group activities strengthens your faith or promotes better atmosphere at work. What do you think?

In a Bubble

Its a big world out there but who are we fooling. Only a few of us realize that there is more to the world than what we are used to.
... We make our life a daily routine and blow small things out proportion so that they seem more important.
... We go to the same places, eat at the same restaurants, and see the same people. We always complain that everything is so 'routine' but we have difficulty admitting that we're afraid of new things.
... It's like we're inside a bubble we've created and thats the whole world to us. There are other places to go, other places to dine in, and other people to meet.
... When we feel suffocated we suddenly 'burst' out and do stupid things but when things calm down we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory and retreat back to our bubble.
... Its time we try to slowly expand our small world. Maybe blogging is one way to do that.

Test Mobile Blogging

Blogger has this feature for blogging from you mobile device. All u have to do is send an email to go@blogger.com and it'll get posted. If your device has a camera u can attach the picture and email it too.
...

This picture was taken from out rooftop. Its just a 1.3 megapixel shot.

Money, the Root of Evil

The religion i belong to runs schools, hospitals, publishing houses. There have been many instances where the treasurers (sometimes with the help of higher administrators) of this establishments have secretly pocketed the money that passes through them.
...

Eventually they were found out but in all the instances i know of, none were brought to justice. Some of them even migrated to the US.
...

I'm curious - was it worth it? It seems that these people are actually living better lives while the institutions they stole from are in debt - or are they really happy?

3rd Eye

My friend who works the nightshift at a call center called me up because he was having difficulty sleeping. He said that he could feel spirits roaming around in the sleeping quarters of his company.
…
I've never had an encounter with the supernatural but ive had many friends who seemed to have a very keen 3rd eye.
…
How about you? Any experience with the supernatural?

Mobile Blogging with Pics

Yey! ve finally found a way to post to blogger with pictures from my cellphone! Thanks to opera mobile browser, flickr.com, and SMART - our service provider with 3G. I now can blog from almost anywhere.

now how to make the text wrap properly and how to add links to my posts...

My New Baby

i was never a fan of nokia but after my bitter experience with sony few months back, i was forced to have an affair with a nokia E50. i don't have any real complaints, its just that i don't like nokia.

after 6 months, i've finally moved on - my new baby the samsung sgh i600 phone - 3.5G, wifi, bluetooth, smartphone, qwerty keyboard, etc. etc.

i can finally update my blog through this device while in my room via our wireless internet connection. i'm happy... for the moment :P


...but i still cant attach photos via this device...

test post via email

this is a test post via email from my mobile phone. unfortunately i
can't seem to be able to attach any pictures to it.

test using palmtx

testing body text

Queer as Folk Season 1

I finally got a copy of the US version of season 1 of the Queer as Folk TV series... and i've since lost many hours of sleep. It's about the lives of 5 gay guys living in Pittsburg.

I can relate to a bit of every character:

Brian - I wish I was him
Michael - I don't wanna be like him, but...
Justin - If only i started out like him... and he's got Brian
Emmett - sometimes i wish i could be as flamboyant as him
Ted - I don't wanna end up like him

Have you watched even just a few episodes? What do you think about it?

*** Comments on Time To Move On: When? ***

May: I think I've moved on..., I think
DayByDay4-2day: I think i've spend so much time letting others determine what I can be and how far I can go that i don't really know how to do it myself. You're right. I'm going to make a post about it someday.

*** Comments on Try it On My Own ***
DayByDay4-2day: Whitney Houston :)

Try It On My Own

Today

I can't get this song out of my head! Aarrgghh!!!

I'm wiser now
I'm not the foolish boy you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it your way
But now I need to do it all alone

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'll keep it real you know
Time for me to do it on my own
Yeah yeah, mmm, yeah yeah

It's over now
I can't go back to living through your eyes
Too many lies
And if you don't know by now
I can't go back to being someone else
Not anymore
I never had a chance to do things my way
So now it's time for me to take control

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know
Time for me to do it

Oh I start again go back to one
I'm running things my way
Can't stop me now, I've just begun
Don't even think about it
There ain't no way about it
I'm taking names, the ones of mine
Yes I'm gonna take my turn
It's time for me to finally stand alone, stand alone

I am not afraid to try it on my own
And I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know
It's time for me to do it
See I'm not afraid

Time To Move On: When?

Today

When is it the right time to move on? If it was a painful breakup does it mean that I should take MORE time to heal before moving on?

If I move on immediately does it mean that I'm just covering up the pain and that i'm not sincere in what i feel?

When is it the RIGHT TIME to move on?

 

*** comments on All (Good) Things Come to an End ***

daybyday4-2day: I really wish we could become good friends.

layla: 2 years together... we never kissed :(

tea: thanks for visiting. I know. thinking about it makes me want to cry, too.

*** comments on Discontent ***

layla: it's because i don't want to move on. I want to stay with him. I wish i was younger and more stupid (sigh)

may: thank you. One would think that seeing pain in patients would make me numb to this kind of pain... not even close.

daybyday4-2day: (sigh) i understand what you both mean. thank you.

Discontent

Today

Summer is over, the rains have come.

Its times like these that I miss him. Even thought I still love him, I remember that in our 2 years together we never kissed, his hugs were only during extreme emotions, and i could always sense disgust after sex.

He loved me, that i'm am sure of. And he was hoping, i know, that somehow I would be contented with what he could give.

I hate myself for wanting more.

National Shame

This is one of those days I'm ashamed to be a Filipino - Peace Corps Volunteer Murdered. She had only good intentions for the country.

What a stupid, stupid man!

National Shame

This is one of those days I'm ashamed to be a Filipino - Peace Corps Volunteer Murdered. She had only good intentions for the country.

What a stupid, stupid man!

All (Good) Things Come to an End

March 31

Well, it appears that I shouldn't have felt ??????? at all. I received a text message from him saying that he thought it was best that be took time off from each other so we could think things through. He said he felt selfish because he felt that I was spending more time with my friends (instead of with him).

It's true that he was selfish. He wanted my undivided attention, he wanted me to love him without expectations. I think the reason he kept telling me this during our months together was because he knew he couldn't love me the way I love him.

He didn't use me. And I know that he loved me - as much as he could - he loved me. In thought and in words (and on text messages) I felt he really cared for me. But that wasn't true in actions.

Maybe he did love me because of the way I loved him... but I don't even care about that. As much as he (his personality and his being straight) could love a gay guy, he pretty much gave his all.

That's what hurts right now. I think we both wanted us to work out but we reached our limits. He was my ideal partner, while I was (aside from being a guy) everything his ego needed. He needed to feel loved (maybe i'll explain why in other posts) and I gave him that. In return he loved me, too.

I'll never find someone like him. I always thought I was lucky to be given a chance to have a relationship with someone like him, and I still feel the same way. I knew it would end sometime and I always prayed it would be a peaceful separation. It was - no painful words, no sarcasm, no violence... just private tears on my side (I'm betting there were some on his side too).

It hurts differently when you accept that you have to go separately ways because you've already loved each other as much as you can. The pain is there but its not agonizing. I feel his absence but there's this understanding inside me that we did our best and stopped while we were ahead. I love him.

*** comments on ??????? ***

Layla, It feels so great to have someone understand. I don't know if this holds true with you but i'd rather take my chances with someone I love than someone who loves me. Thanks for reading.

DaybyDay4-2day, wow! you have no idea how big an issue that is for me. I'm preparing a post just on what i have to say about loving one's self

???????

Now

I'm at that point where I'm trying to decide - should I stick and content myself with what i've had for the past 2 years? or should i let go and try to find something better?

Sooner or later I'll clear things up about what's going on. But for now I just need to be able to get things out. What do you do when you get to the point where "it's as good as it gets"? Yes, he loves me, BUT he'll never love me the way I love him because he just can't. He loves me the best he can but it'll never be the way I want to be loved.

It would be an easier decision if there was someone to catch me. There are possibilities but you can never be sure until you're 'there'. Should I continue to deny what I want and be content with what is already there?

I know he doesn't love "ME" rather he loves the "WAY" I love him... but isn't that also "ME"? I'm confused. Ironies of ironies - i've about 50+ persons in my phonebook that know about who I am but no one I want to talk to. No one there to understand that I just want someone to listen. I don't want someone who'll fall for me while listening to me. Just someone to listen.

Don't worry, I'm ok. I'm just... ???????

Stranger to Friends

Present

They say the only true friends we have are those made in Highschool. This was true for me. I had 6 years in grade school and 4 years of highschool to strengthen those friendships. We were neighbors, playmates, churchmates, schoolmates. Even if I wasn't really sociable, i had a great circle of friends then.

Then I found out that I really wasn't who I thought myself to be. I couldn't tell my friends... being rejected was the easy part... but their parents were family friends - being humiliated was what I was afraid of.

I never consciously flirt with schoolmates, workmates, or churchmates but I was afraid they would suspect that I was gay. Slowly, I drifted away. I didn't make efforts to communicate with them, even if they were just a phone call, heck even just shouting distance away - what would I tell them anyway? I couldn't tell them about the heartbreaks, about the love found and then lost... I coudn't tell them anything.

I know some of them would accept me and not even mind, but I couldn't risk finding out who would and who wouldn't.

Yes, I've made friends with persons like myself. But who'd want tell their life stories to people who have maybe exactly the same stories and don't know what to do either?

I've become a stranger to my closest friends. I wouldn't be blogging now if it wasn't true.

* * * previous comment/s * * *

Daybyday4-2day: I don't really know if I'm afraid to face the truth.

Loosing Sight of Love

1996 - November 1999

The first few (ok many) hookups were exciting for new. I enjoyed meeting new guys because it was always different everytime. Don't think it was easy. I got turned down more often than not (i'll talk about that later).

But after spending a few hours with someone - going home alone - looking for someone else - make small talk - meet up - spend few hours - go home alone, I realized that I was looking for something else: someone to belong to.

That was harder to do than hooking up. I ended up chatting with guy after guy after guy after guy... setting up several meet-ups a day then going home still feeling lonely. My confidence really went down because of the turn-downs, no-shows, and "one-ways", but still back I went to the chatrooms hoping that maybe this time the right guy would be online.

It became routine and I soon forgot what I was looking for.

* * * previous comments section * * *

BarBarA: Thanks for the link. I left a comment there, too.
DaybyDay4-2day:You've no idea how right you are! :)
Bernadette: I'm a big fan!!! wow!

Death of My Yahoo

For some unknown reason my email address of 10+ years, rhy1@yahoo.com has ceased to exist. I'll miss the hundreds of junk mail I get by the day :) But there goes my Yahoo360!, YM contacts....

I'll be back with Yahoo, soon. For the meantime, you can email me at rygeltm@gmail.com

I'll miss that address....

 

* * * Replies to Previous Comments * * *

Bar Bar A: You know how it is... those who have tanned skin want to be fairer and those who have fair skin want to get a tan :) I'm already a bit fair by the standards here but it looks more pale than fair

DaybyDay4-2day: I really can't imagine how 20F must feel.

Summer Is Here

It's just February and summer has already started (sigh). The heat is already getting to me. My room is both a blessing and not. During the warm afternoons, my room is cool but during the cool nights, my room is a lot warmer than the outside.

Guess it's time for lots of fluids and I hope I get a tan :)

Happy summer to all!

MIRC

1996 - present

I didn't own a cellphone at the start and text messaging was not yet existent (at least in the country - now, the Philippines is the texting capital of the world!). Eventually, I found that getting in contact with other guys was too slow on the WWW.

A roomate introduced me to MIRC, a program that allowed access to chatrooms. Eventually I discovered rooms like gaymanila, gaypinoy, and bi-manila on Dalnet and Undernet servers.

The program was single-handedly responsible for setting me up with hookups, friends, acquaintances but curiously none of my relationships.

I admit, the rooms were more of sex channels but I still think It was the most convenient way for me to meet people.

* * * * * * *

DaybyDay4-2day, I wish he gave me an easier test.

May, I wish I could stay away from same-sex sex... Fortunately, at present, i'm too busy to think about it :) Of course, that wasn't usually the case. I don't mind questions like these. Thanks

My Stand on Religion

My blogger friend, May, asked this question in my previous post:

"just curious...now that you are totally at peace with who you are, what is your religious stand on being gay?"

I think it's pretty clear what the Bible says about the "defining act" of being gay. It's stated in black and white in Leviticus 18:22. I was brought up in a religious family and I don't have any doubt that same-sex sex is a sin. Being gay doesn't necessarily mean you have to have sex just as being straight doesn't. Spiritually it's a struggle but I'm not lying to myself. Being gay is NOT a sin but the ACT of being gay is.

Personally I believe that many people twist the meaning of what's clearly stated in the Bible so that they can appease their conscience.

For example: the Bible says,

"Remember the Sabbath day to keep it hold, 6 days shalt thou labor and do all thy work but the 7th day is the Sabbath of thy Lord thy God... Exodus 20:8-10"

So people made Monday the 1st day of the week (look at the calendars) so that Sunday would be the 7th day (church day). But Matthew 28, Luke 24, and John 20 clearly say that Jesus was ressurected on the 1st day... and isn't that day called EASTER SUNDAY? So if Jesus was resurrected Sunday, which the Bible says is the 1st day, it can't be the 7th day, too (when we should be in church), can it?

PS: DayByDay4-2Day, I still can't decide which of them is the most fabulous. Hehehehe

WWW

1996 - 1997

"How would I get to meet people like myself?" Being a predominantly Roman Catholic country, society wasn't exactly forgiving of people like me. I didn't drink or smoke so that make going to bars difficult. To complicate things, I was a Seventh-day Adventist and was studying in a boarding school that was like boot camp where everybody knew everyone else.

Then I discovered the World Wide Web. You have to understand that access to the internet was not as widespread as it is now (in the country). I was home only during the weekends and that was the only time I had access to the Web. I started searching for email sites where I could correspond with PLU (People Like Me) and hopefully hook up with them.

I can't remember how many guys I met this way but 2 of them eventually became a couple and are still together. Thats more than  15yrs! 

A New World

1996

It too a while, but I eventually got over my "first heartache. I was now free to explore the new world I was in. I actually felt excited. I didn't feel any anger or conflict inside. I knew who I was at that time and I wanted to find out all there was to the "new" me.

The Summer Capital

This past Christmas, our family headed to Baguio City, the summer capital of the Philippines.

This Lion's Head is the first landmark along the scenic Kenon Road that let's you know you've arrived.

The Simplest Explanation...

1993-1995

After my first "best friend", i went through puberty :) It was when I was in 3rd year highschool (we have 4 years in high school) that i found another "best friend". Unlike the 1st, this time I actually was in the same group as him so it wasn't difficult to actually become a friend.

I enjoyed spending time, helping in homework, giving advice, etc etc. Although occasionally I couldn't help but notice that he had broad shoulders and a V-shaped back... I just pushed it out of my mind.

... Then he started courting this girl... everything went downhill. I found myself waiting for him (at least his call) that he had come home during the evenings, i literally demanded to know when he was all the time, i couldn't understand what I felt (later known as jealousy) when the 2 of them were together. It even came to a point that I thought I was jealous because I also liked the girl!

Highschool became torture for me. I couldn't understand why I was feeling those emotions... anger, envy, jealousy... i knew i should be happy for him... but it was hard to be.

There were many many sleepless nights - tossing and turning, worrying... maybe worrying that they were getting intimate. I tried to reason to myself that it was normal. I tried to explain why i was reacting this way but nothing could explain everything.

Then I thought - what if I was in-love with my bestfriend?

Everything fell into place.

But it was too late for me. I was in-love with my best friend. If only I knew it was possible, I wouldn't allow it to come this far.

Unmotivated

Here I go again... I've so many things I wanna blog about but I seem to be too lazy to get started. How do you get to blog about stuff regularly. Stress has always been a good motivator for me to blog. So if i don't post often, it means i'm perfectly OK :)

Unmotivated

Here I go again... I've so many things I wanna blog about but I seem to be too lazy to get started. How do you get to blog about stuff regularly. Stress has always been a good motivator for me to blog. So if i don't post often, it means i'm perfectly OK :)