Would You Study?

This sunday I'll be taking our exam in Medical-Surgical nursing. It's expected to be a hard exam but the catch is, the professor promised a round trip ticket to the US to anyone who gets at least 80% in the exams. Now that's a lot of money over here. So i guess it means that the exams will be really hard and won't be in the lectures he's given.

Would you still study for it?

Have A Good Day

It's 6:30 am and I've just got up. It still seems the same as yesterday. I wonder how the rest of the world is doing. Will your day be filled with excitement and new experiences?

Can't wait to see what the day has instore.

Courtship: Not (yet) For Me

By November, it'll be a year that I've been single. I can already feel the panic building up =)

The thing is, though, this is the first time I've actually gone through dating and "getting to know" others... It really doesn't work for me.

I guess I believe in love at 1st sight. If I have to exert effort to win someone over, I always end up thinking... "shouldn't he prove himself too?"

Just because I'm immediately sure I like someone doesn't make me the one who should prove himself.

Learning to Love Myself

My inability to love myself because of my poor self-image had affected me emotionally, physically, spiritually (I sometimes blamed God), and was a major determining factor in my sexuality.

But now things had changed drastically. I actually "liked" who I saw in the mirror and in the photographs. Things should be OK right? but it wasn't.

After 10 years of insecurity and low self worth, it wasn't that easy to make a U-turn. I couldn't just be all confident all of a sudden. But slowly, I started prioritizing myself, pampering myself, and taking care of myself better.

During this time I was in a 2-year relationship with someone whom my old self (and even the new me) would think to be too good to be true - good looking, tall, well built, loyal to me, loved me... but there was a catch. I posted about it in "???????" and "As Good As it Gets"

Yes, I let that person go. I could never have done that had I not felt some sense of self worth. Even if I was not happy, I would not have been able to let go of that person if I wasn't learning to love myself - this was the strongest proof I had that I had indeed changed.

But there were questions now. Those that bothered me the most were:

1. I wasn't sure where I stood (sexually) now. Now that the major reason why I was living this alternative lifestyle was gone I didn't know where I was exactly.
2. I don't know if I know how to love. My past relationships weren't based on love in the proper sense. I was attracted to my partners because I thought they could fill my perceived inadequacies. I don't think I was really in-love with them.

If only I took the lyrics of Whitney's song to heart years earlier:

"The greatest love of all
is easy to achieve.
Learning to love yourself
is the greatest love of all."

The Pill that Changed My Life

In my previous post I mention that IF I learned to feel good about myself, my whole (outlook on) life would change. The problem was that the #1 source of my inability to love myself was my weight. I weighed 105lbs for almost 15 yrs! It was ok when I was younger but as I got older I looked like I was starving.

The problem was that eating really wasn't something I enjoyed. Add this to the fact that I had a bit of obsessive-compulsive traits in me. When I was doing something, I could hardly be bothered to eat. When I was struggling with anxiety I didn't want to eat.

It was enough for me not to fill hungry but I rarely felt full (of food). For most it's difficult to loose weight but I suffered from the opposite.

I knew what the source of my poor self image was, but it was next to impossible for me to do something about it. I tried all kinds of appetite stimulants but none worked for me. Forget about being content and happy because every time I looked in the mirror or saw a picture of myself... and I didn't like what I saw.

After finishing my medical degree, I postponed specialty training and worked in a private clinic. One day, a person who supplied some medicines to the clinic mentioned that she use to be skinny and a certain Chinese medication worked wonders for her appetite. She gave me the name of the pill and where to buy it.

Of course I was skeptical, but I just tried it anyway...

It worked! I suddenly had this craving for food. Even bland tasting food tasted good to me. I would get up during midnight to get something to eat and during mornings I didn't care if I was late for work as long as I ate breakfast. I was full all the time and kept eating all the time.

In a matter of 3 months, I gained 25 lbs! that was enough to change my life. Clothes fit better, I started going to the gym regularly and I liked the way I looked in pictures!

There are days when I feel as if I wasted my time when I should have started my specialty training, then I remember that If I started training immediately I would have never been able to meet the lady who told me about this pill. I would have been the same old miserable me.

Self-Absorbed

I seem to have been pretty self-absorbed lately. Maybe its the fact that the 1-year anniversary of my being single is nearing *sigh* I didn't realize I was isolating myself again until I read the post of one of the Seasons.

My friends have been going through their own ups and downs and I really haven't been there for them. Physically I've been present but that's it. I haven't been reading between the lines pretty well lately.

I need to snap out of whatever is bothering me. (yep, I still don't know)

Self-Realization

I guess if you're an introvert, looking back and analyzing one's self is inevitable. Even if I was drowning in my own misery and insecurities, I was also trying to understand what was happening to me.

It took years but slowly & painfully understanding of myself dawned. You see I HATED MYSELF. I didn't recognize that at first but when you hate cameras, get upset when you see yourself in photos or videos, and start loathing meeting up with relatives because all they say is, "you're so thin", you start to get the idea that something's bothering you.

My #1 issue was that I was thin (105lbs)... not lanky... just plain skinny. I mean there are people who look good even if they're skinny but I wasn't as lucky. I had sunken cheeks, dark circles around my eyes, my elbows were deadly weapons, my being a bit bow-legged was more prominent because I was skinny... ...

I liked clothes but no matter if I choose loose or tight fitting clothes none would look good on me. Shorts was out of the question (there goes enjoying the water). Shopping for clothes always ended up in frustration. But my partners usually looked good whatever they wore so I enjoyed (at least I think I did) shopping with them for clothes and commenting of how they looked in them... Then I would go home and feel bad for myself.

It didn't help at all when relatives said that it was because I had a fast metabolism, or that I just needed to eat more. It didn't work

Then one day, it just occurred to me that if I felt good about myself, my whole outlook on life would change. I was right.

[PS: In January 2007 I posted "The Simplest Explanation" which relates how I realized and accepted I was different. That was how I remember it back then. My recent posts are about how I believe I came to be that way.]

Not As Simple

Before I continue my story I guess I have to clarify a few things. I know that my post Why I Am Who I Am and subsequent posts didn't really sound as if they were life changing. That's the reason I wasn't able to post it for the past 3 years - I don't know how to put into words how much regret and "what-ifs" are in that post.

I guess we're all looking at it as the adults we are now and things seem trivial. How I wish I knew the things I know now back then when I was a kid.

Yes it was INSECURITY, low self esteem that I blame for the direction I was pushed in - I say "pushed" because when realization stepped in, it was too late to go back.

Oh, I have nice things to say about myself when I was a kid... I was studious, obedient, friendly, kind, God-fearing, intelligent... the inside stuff was AOK! but somehow that didn't matter to me. It was the outside that counted. I wasn't vain but its really hard to explain *sigh*

My only defense is that throughout the 10 years of elementary and highschool I struggled with myself. I couldn't ask others for help because I myself didn't know what was wrong. The concept that I was headed towards an alternative lifestyle NEVER EVER entered my mind until college... I wish I considered it earlier.

Anyways, my story goes on...

Doomed Relationships

Until I realized Why I Am Who I Am, my relationships were all doomed. I was attracted to individuals who had the attributes I didn't - looks, a sense of humor, a nice physique. That's not so different from others, right? but where others were actually attracted physically to others, mine was more of a need. (deep, *sigh*)

I thought it was love...

It wasn't.

It was just me trying to make up for my insecurities by constantly needing to be with someone who had the attributes I wanted. I ended up loosing myself. I was possessive, jealous, controlling and eventually desperate when reality would set it that I was still "me" and would never be the person I was with.

In most of those relationships, I lost myself because I kept identifying with my partner - the person I wanted to be. Without that person, I felt I was nothing. Reality would strike when we were with other people. Others would be attracted to my partner but not to me and that totally destroyed that fantasy I was living in. What I thought was jealousy was envy.

Some of them actually cared for me, but I rarely gave them the chance to show it. I was the one who handled the relationship, made the decisions... in reality I was telling them in my own way that "this is the way I want to be treated" BUT I never felt I deserved to be treated that way. I was skeptical at the few people that actually showed they cared for me, thinking them to be desperate or stupid.

I became a "martyr" in my relationships. I couldn't bring myself to do things for myself without feeling guilty. It was always my partner - the person I wanted to be - who came first, because deep inside I wanted that person to be me... So I was doing things for me (psychologically) but never really feeling it = frustration = depression = interpersonal conflicts

Why I Am Who I Am

Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality.

There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports...

There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.

It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.

I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.

So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.

My Reason for Blogging

the purpose of my blogging was supposedly to let other people get to know who I really am, the way I know myself. It's been 3 years since I've started blogging and I haven't been able to finish the post which should have been the very 1st one: "Why I Am Who I Am"

This isn't even that post, yet. Why the long delay? I've gotten through a few drafts these past years and I haven't followed through because It either was too long or too boring, usually a combination of both.

I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that there's really no big event that took place that lead me in this direction. Who I am now was not a result of a dramatic incident. And my life really isn't that exciting.

But I'll try (maybe successfully this time) to actually post the things on my mind. Let's hope that the transition from though to written words will be as smooth as possible.

I'm Back!

hello friends and readers. It's been quite a while - almost 3 months - before I could come up with something to write. It's difficult being a bit of a compulsive person because if there's nothing to stimulate me to write, i can't think of anything no matter how hard I try.

I'm sorry i haven't been keeping up with your lives either. I'll try to keep up starting now.

For those who know me, at least you know that whenever I go quiet, it means that my life has become so monotonous that I have nothing to write about... but it also means that things are Ok.

I'm back and I'll try to stay