Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A Denied Need

I was chatting on the IRC where more often than not people like me log on to hook up with others. A chatter mentioned that he was looking for people who were depressed to chat with. That piqued my interest and I sent him a private message.

He said that last chirstmas he was depressed, heartbroken and hopeless but he said he learned a lot this past year and though he was still single now he was happy and he wanted to share what he learned with others.

I chatted with him because this was a 'first' for me to find someone with this reason for going into this particular chatroom.

<Rygel> i don't know what i'm looking for
<hangad> whats wrong
<hangad> really
<hangad> and certainly
<hangad> there's emptiness within right?
<Rygel> there's always that
<Rygel> but it's more of something's lacking
<hangad> i see
<hangad> spiritually how are oyu?
<Rygel> am ok spiritually
<hangad> really
<hangad> thats cool
<hangad> :)
<Rygel> it's not emptiness, its more of lack of fulfilment i guess... not really sure what it is
<hangad> i see
<hangad> you dont have to be sad
<hangad> and indulge in
<Rygel> i'm not even sad... that's the problem... i don't know what i feel
<hangad> oh
<Rygel> i'd say it's more of indifference
<hangad> that suprised me ah

Then he went on to say that the reason I was... well... bothered was because I contained my feelings and didn't share them with others. I disagreed that I needed someone to talk to...

<hangad> are u open to ur feelings
<hangad> i mean
do you talk about it
<Rygel> i'd be happier (ironically) if i was sad or angry
<hangad> with some friend
<Rygel> no one to talk to
<hangad> awww
<hangad> that explains it
<Rygel> close friends don't know that i'm well, not straight... and people like me are too busy with their personal lives
you really need to have that someone who'll listen to you
<Rygel> explains what?
<Rygel> hehehe...
that's a short time solution
<hangad> kase
<hangad> no,its not
<hangad> listen
<Rygel> i'll be better siguro for about 4 hours then back to the same feelings
<hangad> i mean, leading a life like ours is complicated in the first place
<Rygel> but talking about it won't change anything
<hangad> feeling mo lang yun
<Rygel> i know it
<Rygel> :)
<Rygel> its just the same as being able to shout at the top of your voice
<hangad> its hard to contain feelings and not being able to express it
<Rygel> it's a big relief but very short lived
<Rygel> the problem with me ata is that i don't know what i'm feeling
No such nick/channel

He got cut off suddenly... Suddenly I felt sssoooo angry and mad at him that I wanted to shout at the monitor, "Come back here!!!"

He was right - I needed someone to talk with, to share what I felt and what I was going through. He was right - I was keeping all the negative emotions inside that it was eating away at me. He was right. I needed to let it out... only, there's no one here for me to talk to.

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