Scene 2

After the first party I drove about 1 hour to the venue of the next party. It was located just outside the city and in the home of the 'founder' of the group. There were about 20 - 30 guys there. It was around 1am in the morning when I got there and most were already... well, some of their inhibitions were gone because of the drinking - but nothing scandalous :)

In 5 minutes I was introduced to everyone there so i didn't really remember anyone hehehe. Some were dancing, some were singing at the karaoke machine, couples and those who hooked up that night were cuddling.

Enlarging my social circle was my real purpose, although there were 1 or 2 guys there who could have distracted me from that ;) It wasn't exactly my 'group' but i think i managed to fit in as best as i could.

I had a great time, although I couldn't help but feel just a bit envious of the couples who were there.

Merry Christmas

I pray that we all still have that child inside us
because only children can see the magic that is Christmas.

Maligayang Pasko!

(Merry Christmas!)

Merry Christmas

I pray that we all still have that child inside us
because only children can see the magic that is Christmas.

Maligayang Pasko!

(Merry Christmas!)

What Matters Most

My heart goes out to my blogger friend Mark. I know how it feels when a love has to end. You have the memories. Hang in there.

It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other
It's not how far we travelled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the years together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

What matters most is that we loved at all.

Hints & Clues

Sometime between grade school and highschool I got a bit sexually aware... there was health magazines for men... and porn, which i enjoyed ONLY if there was a guy in the scene. Fantasies always included guys too...

It should have been obvious.

I didn't get it :)

A Denied Need

I was chatting on the IRC where more often than not people like me log on to hook up with others. A chatter mentioned that he was looking for people who were depressed to chat with. That piqued my interest and I sent him a private message.

He said that last chirstmas he was depressed, heartbroken and hopeless but he said he learned a lot this past year and though he was still single now he was happy and he wanted to share what he learned with others.

I chatted with him because this was a 'first' for me to find someone with this reason for going into this particular chatroom.

........
<Rygel> i don't know what i'm looking for
<hangad> whats wrong
<hangad> really
<hangad> and certainly
<hangad> there's emptiness within right?
<Rygel> there's always that
<Rygel> but it's more of something's lacking
<hangad> i see
<hangad> spiritually how are oyu?
<Rygel> am ok spiritually
<hangad> really
<hangad> thats cool
<hangad> :)
<Rygel> it's not emptiness, its more of lack of fulfilment i guess... not really sure what it is
<hangad> i see
<hangad> you dont have to be sad
<hangad> and indulge in
<Rygel> i'm not even sad... that's the problem... i don't know what i feel
<hangad> oh
<Rygel> i'd say it's more of indifference
<hangad> that suprised me ah

Then he went on to say that the reason I was... well... bothered was because I contained my feelings and didn't share them with others. I disagreed that I needed someone to talk to...

<hangad> are u open to ur feelings
<hangad> i mean
<hangad> do you talk about it
<Rygel> i'd be happier (ironically) if i was sad or angry
<hangad> with some friend
<Rygel> no one to talk to
<hangad> awww
<hangad> that explains it
<Rygel> close friends don't know that i'm well, not straight... and people like me are too busy with their personal lives
<hangad> you really need to have that someone who'll listen to you
<Rygel> explains what?
<Rygel> hehehe... that's a short time solution
<hangad> kase
<hangad> no,its not
<hangad> listen
<Rygel> i'll be better siguro for about 4 hours then back to the same feelings
<hangad> i mean, leading a life like ours is complicated in the first place
<Rygel> but talking about it won't change anything
<hangad> feeling mo lang yun
<Rygel> i know it
<Rygel> :)
<Rygel> its just the same as being able to shout at the top of your voice
<hangad> its hard to contain feelings and not being able to express it
<Rygel> it's a big relief but very short lived
<Rygel> the problem with me ata is that i don't know what i'm feeling
No such nick/channel

He got cut off suddenly... Suddenly I felt sssoooo angry and mad at him that I wanted to shout at the monitor, "Come back here!!!"

He was right - I needed someone to talk with, to share what I felt and what I was going through. He was right - I was keeping all the negative emotions inside that it was eating away at me. He was right. I needed to let it out... only, there's no one here for me to talk to.

In Defense of Superficiality

A lot of people say that we shouldn't judge others by the way they look or fall for someone just by his or her looks.

I say:

While it's true that looks won't carry a relationship far beyond the 'honeymoon' period, a relationship won't even start without physical attraction.

Before the ears hear, before the nose smells, before the fingers touch, and before the brain is stimulated, the eyes have already seen and decided.

When you look at the person you love while he or she is sleeping beside you and you think to yourself, "I'm love him/her so much"...  the point is you're looking - not talking, not touching, not brainstorming - just looking...

...and falling.

In Defense of Superficiality

A lot of people say that we shouldn't judge others by the way they look or fall for someone just by his or her looks.

I say:

While it's true that looks won't carry a relationship far beyond the 'honeymoon' period, a relationship won't even start without physical attraction.

Before the ears hear, before the nose smells, before the fingers touch, and before the brain is stimulated, the eyes have already seen and decided.

When you look at the person you love while he or she is sleeping beside you and you think to yourself, "I'm love him/her so much"...  the point is you're looking - not talking, not touching, not brainstorming - just looking...

...and falling.

Scene 1

There were actually 2 gatherings I went to and I was overdressed for both :) Both were Eye Ball Parties for groups I recently joined.

The gathering place for the 1st one was a Starbucks cafe inside a local mall. Unlike in the US, Starbucks outlets here are usually places where fashionistas (and wannabees) hang out instead of just a simple place to drink coffee. People actually think that being seen at a Starbucks cafe would make them look 'cool' and trendy.

I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to meet up there - I was right. I don't really understand why people think it's cool to act snobbish and indifferent.

I tried a new approach though - i smiled (a lot), shook hands (instead of just nodding) when introduced, and made physical (appropriately) and eye contact.

i don't think they knew what to make of me.

It wasn't exactly a great party. Most were trying to appear 'cool' by being distant and uninterested. It was really dragging and I was relieved to leave by 11:30pm.

Things I noticed:

1. The anorexic look was "in"
2. I was a lot more mature and confident
3. I like Madonna's songs :)
4. I can pretend that i'm having a great time

On to Scene 2...

Back to the Scene

I wish I was straight!... hahaha... well, I actually do... hmmm.... no I don't... uhhh... I'm attending a party of sorts in an attempt to rescue my social life from the brink of extinction.

I can't remember that last time I've gone out to meet new people. I'm not exactly an outgoing, sociable creature... I'm more of a wallflower at parties, except I desperately want the attention but not stupid enough to wear a butt hugging, latex costume and 'meow' just to get it (some people there actually do that).

Dammit! I'm tense! and I'm not even going there in the hope of hooking up with someone - which is the reason 99% of the people are attending - I just need to expand my social circle and feed my ego.

I envy guys who look good in just about anything or nothing at all (hehehe). "The clothes make the man" they say, well, if that's true I'll need a lot more clothes to cover me up.

I still have to make sure my hair stays in place, my face isn't shining (oiliness IS next to ugliness), my teeth are perfectly white, my breath is fresh, I smell good, nails are clean, and clothes (oh please let there be a miracle) flatter me and make me look at lot better than I see myself in the mirror.

I seem to have lost my sense of humor! Wits, don't fail me now.

Dang! I wish I was straight! (NOT!)

Best Friend / First Love ?!?

We weren't in the same circle of friends...

We weren't even in the same section...

We didn't talk because we didn't have anything to talk about...

I didn't know anything about him except his name...

... and one day, in the 3rd grade, I just decided that he was my best friend. I found ways to know him better and to spend time with him (although not alone). We became friends... well, at least acquaintances - but I was happy - He was my best friend.

Just seeing him made me happy. We didn't talk about serious things, in fact we didn't have a conversation like what usually goes on between good friends. But he was my best friend.

He transferred to another place after grade school. I missed him. I kept in touch, snail mail, and even visited as often as I could for the next 2 years.

Now that I look back... I was happy just seeing him; happier being with him (in a group of friends)... I must have, as much as is possible for a kid of that age, been in love with him.

I'm so clueless!

The Earth Patrol

The last destination in my birthday celebration was the sea lion show. It was pretty simple but enjoyable. The aim was to promote caring for the environment hence the name "The Earth Patrol"

Beginnings

I guess I already was different from the start. Whether it was because of something in my DNA or some event in childhood, I really do not know.

In grade school, I was a goody-two-shoes nerdy kid. My parents taught me about good values and I was a very good student. I studied hard, went to church regularly, memorized my memory verses, went straight home after classes... etc., etc. I wasn't exposed to the 'outside' world. Television programs were regulated (my dad really hates soap operas). The only thing I knew about the 3rd sex was that they were those boys who acted like girls and were often the subject of jokes and teasing. I, definitely, wasn't one of them.

I wasn't into sports. I guess it was because we didn't have easy access to sports facilities in my neighborhood. My parents also seemed to prioritize other talents such as playing the piano, public speaking, singing and the like (I don't blame them).

Psychology says that during the grade school years, boys hang out with boys and girls with girls, and they hate the other sex. However I recall that I was more often in the company of my girl classmates - maybe because I didn't like playing basketball, or sipa (local game).

And one more thing - I don't really recall but a former classmate pointed it out to me when I was already in college - It turns out that even if I wasn't really a sociable kid, I always had a 'buddy' - A classmate with whom I always went with, sat beside in the classroom, had recess with... and that 'buddy' was always a guy.

Were these hints of who I was? Maybe, but at that time it seemed perfectly normal.

Intersections & Detours

Life is full of intersections and detours  and sometimes it's only by looking back that we can point out exactly when that wrong turn took place or when you correctly chose the right direction. I now realize some things - some were choices, some were events, some were people - that would determine what I am now.

It would be easy to feel regret over somethings I have done but the truth is, it was impossible at that time to determine which was the right thing to do.

Would life be better if I could predict how a certain decision would affect my life? Like if I stayed home on a particular night instead of going out or if I logged on to the Net at this hour instead of that...

I've had my share of intersections, detours and sometimes dead ends. We don't have the benefit of having a bird's-eye-view of the road/s ahead. I guess that's the reality of living - not knowing where we will end up but still hoping for the best just the same (and making the best of what we end up with).

Intersections & Detours

Life is full of intersections and detours  and sometimes it's only by looking back that we can point out exactly when that wrong turn took place or when you correctly chose the right direction. I now realize some things - some were choices, some were events, some were people - that would determine what I am now.

It would be easy to feel regret over somethings I have done but the truth is, it was impossible at that time to determine which was the right thing to do.

Would life be better if I could predict how a certain decision would affect my life? Like if I stayed home on a particular night instead of going out or if I logged on to the Net at this hour instead of that...

I've had my share of intersections, detours and sometimes dead ends. We don't have the benefit of having a bird's-eye-view of the road/s ahead. I guess that's the reality of living - not knowing where we will end up but still hoping for the best just the same (and making the best of what we end up with).

Coming Out Clean

My life isn't bad. I come from a middle class family. We are not rich but my parents managed to provide for everything I need and some things I want. I have a good educational background and had just recently obtained a degree in the medical field.

I'm gay (No, I don't feel like I'm a girl or am a female trapped in a man's body. I'm a guy (and I like being one). It's just that I simply fall (in love or lust) after other guys).

There I've said it! I should have said it when I started blogging last year. It would have been such a relief to be able to tell the world (at least the part that doesn't know me until now) about the REAL me. I started to blog because I saw it as a way to be free from all pretentions. But during that first year of blogging, before I knew it, I turned my blogging world into a replica of my real world - where I had to watch every word I wrote instead of being able to just pour myself out.

It's time to set things straight (well you know what I mean).

This is my story...

Tickled Anticipation

I'm not very ticklish but I've always wondered why it's impossible to to tickle myself. It seems that i'm not the only one - Some scientists have tried to explain the reason why.

Apparently when we tickle ourselves, our body tries to prepare for it and succeeds most of the time because the action is predictable [True Tickle Takes Another's Touch].

But somehow knowing that another person is going to tickle me doesn't help :)

 

Yesterday Ended Last Night

I received this SMS message the other day:

 

"Yesterday Ended Last Night"

 

It reminded me that no matter how bad my day was, it already is a part of the past and it shouldn't keep me from doing my best.

At the same time, I realized that it also means that I shouldn't let any accomplishments I made during the day get into my head, because, like the failures, they are also already a part of the past