Paradise Found... Again!

Checklist

The way technology has become almost indispensable in our lives is starting to look way out of control for me. I'm supposed to be going to the beach!

Closure

in September of 2005, I went on vacation to one of the best beaches in this country. It seemed like a dream - the perfect place, and with my then special someone.

Willy's Rock
First Sunset
Crystal Cove
North Beach
South Beach
Last Sunset

This September 14 - 16, I'll be going back again. This time i'll be meeting and spending that time with my recent X (not the one I was with before), the one who treated me the way I've always wanted and the reason I'm having difficulty moving on.

I have to find out again why I let go. I dunno what to expect. I need closure because everything was great but I had to let go then.

I'm hoping that the magical effect that was there 3 years ago, is still in that place. Then I'll to move on.

Thank You

Well that pretty well sums up what I know about myself. You guys know more about me than my close friends and parents. Thanks for the encouraging comments. I wish I could address them individually but I'll have to wait for that moment when I can push myself to write :)

But most of all, thank you for listening Layla, Bob, May, Ant, Jarred, DayByDay4-2Day, Kayla, and all of you who have for one time or more passed by and read a bit.

Thank you.

In Love With The Idea

Its been bothering me a lot lately - that it might be just the IDEA of being in love that i'm in love with.

Wasted Years

In psychiatry I learned that behavioral & personality disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, Somatoform Disorder result from the inability of a person to deal with anxiety or stress. Treatment takes place over a long period of time in which success means that the client has achieved self-awareness and now can consciously find ways to cope with the anxiety and stress whatever the cause.

I didn't go into therapy. I don't think I reached the point where I could be diagnosed with any disorder although I do have some obsessive-compulsive traits. But like those undergoing treatment, achieving self-awareness has been a slow process (and is still ongoing).

But is achieving self-awareness really worth it if it makes you realize that more than 10 years of your life has been wasted? I've drifted away from good friends, missed out on many opportunities to be happy because I couldn't love myself, became attracted to people for the wrong reasons, prioritized the wrong things... I sometimes think that it's better to know nothing at all.

The "what ifs" haunt me everyday:

"what if" I received more support to improve myself physically years back?

"what if" there was a better balance between studies and social activities?

"what if..."

"what if..."

"WHAT IF..."

That's closely followed by regrets and blaming. At which point in the past should I have taken charge of my life? Was it only that pill that could have brought about hope?

I feel that I'm only starting to live right now. Memories of the past are blurred. Only very few stand out and even those are now painful to remember because no matter how good they were, they are wasted experiences because I went through them with the wrong perception and for the wrong reasons.

I wish I could have 10 years of my life back - my high school and college years where good friends and lovers should have been found, where memorable relationships should have been build... where life should have started for me.... where I didn't have to live a lie.

How the @#%^*! do you move forward if you don't know which way forward is!

BER Months

SeptemBER has started and over here this signals the start of the christmas season. Morning talk shows already have christmas decors and radio stations have started playing christmas songs. It even feels as he the breeze is a lot cooler.

Its beginning to feel a lot like christmas.