The Vigil

It's August 31 10:55 pm. According to some sources the Board exam results will be coming out tonight. Although it isn't on the internet yet, a fellow intern has already said she found out she has passed by calling Bombo radio station. Unfortunately the number she gave to me has apparently since been disconnected. So here I am forced to wait till it shows up in the internet.

In a few hours, the pressing of the refresh button in my browser will reveal if I can add an "M.D" to my name! How slowly the clock is ticking!

The Real World

Eastwood@8/30/2005 8:30AM

Today was the first time ever that I went to a venue to apply for a job. It's a late start but that's what I get for going into medicine. It wasn't a bad experience but I realized how difficult it is to find a job that you actually enjoy doing.

There were 15 of us today applying for the Medical Transcriptionist position. Most of them were already employed but were just looking for something better. There was a nurse from Medical City, 2 medical transcriptionists from other companies, an email service representative and others. Many of them spent the night at their various jobs and just proceeded to Eastwood to take the job examinations.

At the end of the day, after the English majors' exams, there were just 4 of us - the nurse, the email customer representative, someone who brought her mother along, and me. Who knows who will be hired.

I am starting to deal with the 'real' world and leave behind my carefree days (It's about time). Like everyone just beginning, I'm full of optimism. This could be the start of something big!

(Then I remembered the upcoming Board results!)

It's the Waiting that's...

...driving me out of my mind!

I'm finally done with the Boards. What an exhausting 4-day stress-filled series! I never want to do that again!

I thought I'd finally get to relax and clear my mind but it doesn’t appear to be the case. I'm anxious about the results. I had a very hard time with surgery that I don't think I'll get through because of that subject. The questions were 'out-of-this-world' for me.

I can't keep still till I see the results. There are a lot of 'what ifs' going on in my mind and I can't seem to just sit down and wait. I know I have to rest and relax awhile after all that has happened but I can't. The 'what ifs' are bothering me.

I decided to show up for the job interview tomorrow at Eastwood. Maybe that will take my mind off things.

To Be... or Not To Be... (Tense)

I guess God must be ready to hit me on the head. Last week I was so tense before the exams that I kept on praying to Him to remove the pressure and give me peace of mind.

This week I'm worried because I wasn't tense the whole week. I'm just starting to feel a little pressured now since its just a few hours more to the last half of the exams.

I'm actually WORRIED because i'm NOT WORRIED! It doesn't make any sense!

We humans never get contented.

Ad: The Sword of Truth

I’d like to introduce you to the fantasy series that has really captured my imagination during the past years – The Sword of Truth.

The author, Terry Goodkind, has this talent for making reading so easy. It’s like watching a movie. You don’t have to read-STOP-imagine- read-STOP-think-imagine- read-STOP-recall-imagine..... The story just flows (No He isn’t paying me). The image just appears in your head (in color!).

Try picking up book 1: Wizards First Rule (don’t start anywhere else) , and get to know Richard Cypher/_____, Kahlan Amnel, Zed, Cara the Mordsith, Sister Verna and all the other characters. I first read this when I was in 1st year college and I can still recall the sequence of events and their details. I read Da Vinci Code last year – It was great - But now all I can recall is the general plot and how it started and ended. Everything in between is a blur. I don't even know the name of the main character!

If you don’t like fantasy books, this might change your mind (come to think of it, maybe Mr. Goodkind has to pay me after all hahaha!).

Boracay: Step I

It’s a beautiful day today! The sun is shining brightly and there's just the right bit of cloud cover and a cool breeze.
What made it better was that I finally got the tickets for my planned vacation to boracay. It's been over 6 months since I started planning for this trip. Now that I got the tickets, I have 1 month to hope for the following:

• A place to stay in boaracay (I'll settle for a wooden cottage with a bed and a bathroom and a fan) hopefully near the beach and near station 1. I'm open to suggestions;
• A place to eat that's cheap - I can't afford to eat at the restos along the beach all the time;
• A beach-worthy physique (don't ask);
• Days like today everyday I'm there; and
• A way to get back home - I have no idea how short my stay will be!
  

Now all I have to do is pass the board exams so this vacation will be one of celebration instead of treatment for depression.

The Greatest Love of All

I think it was in my elementary years that I heard that I shouldn't listen to this song for the reason that it was blasphemous since it promoted vanity (I think) and it is God's love that is the greatest. I believe the lines:

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself -
It is the greatest love of all

...were found offensive by some of the more religious teachers/officials of the school/church (can't recall). I now believe that that had a huge impact on me. Subconsciously I was impressed with the idea that it was bad to love one's self. It was only during the recent years, when I started searching for a reason for my unhappiness, that I able to identify the cause - I didn't love myself - insecurity, poor self esteem; name it, I had it.

I hate (yes, hate) the person/s who made that impression on me as a kid (good thing I don't know who they are). Everyday I struggle to see myself as other's do. If only they heard the other parts of the song:

Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

IF ONLY they didn't pass judgement on that song, I could say:

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me,
they can't take away my dignity

Unfortunately, I still can't right now.

Starry-Eyed

No, Rygel isn’t my real name but I’ve been using it as an pseudonym for quite some time. While in college, a roommate introduced me into the world of MIRC chat. The first thing you had to do was come up with a username. One of my interests is reading about the galaxy and among the dozens of stars out there, Rigel was my favorite name for a star (I just liked the sound of it) and I decided that it would make a good username.

Unfortunately, being Filipinos, it was only natural that Rigel was pronounced ‘Ree-ghell’. When I got to talk on the phone with my chatmates I found it annoying to hear my username pronounced that way. So I changed the ‘i’ to ‘y’ and Rygel was born. I have stuck with that username more or less 10 years and some friends even know me only by that name. I don’t mind. My real firstname is so common that if you speak it out loud a dozen guys will look your way trying to recall if they know you. But try calling out Rygel, and a dozen guys will still look your way (coz Filipinos like to do that even if they know you’re not talking to them) but I’ll know immediately that it’s me you’re talking to.

While making this blog, I decided to look for facts about Rigel and here are 4 of them:

• It is part of the constellation Orion (the Hunter);
• It represents Orion's left foot where he was stung by a scorpion and died;
• It is the brightest star in Orion and the 7th brightest star in the sky;
  
• It shines with the light of 40,000 suns.

Aren't you glad to have a star as a friend (",)

Calm in the 'Eye'

I'm now in the eye of the storm. This is the update to Weather Forecast: Licensure Exams 2002 (Part I). Weather patterns were totally unpredictable. This may have been due to a shift in the axis of the moon hahaha! The previous 2 days have shifted my predictions of the weather this coming September (It's impossible to be accurate). Here is my understanding of what happened (conservative estimation):

• Surprisingly, my body systems are functioning at about 75% of normal and are still capable of handling the stormy weather this coming week.;
• Although I didn't loose any body parts, my muscles and limbs at capable of exerting only 64 % of their total strength due to exhaustive preparations made for the bad weather.
• Microscopic examination of my brain showed that 60% of my neurons were swelling due to working too hard. Fortunately no signs of ischemia was seen
• My immune system has managed to defeat 55% of opportunistic bacteria and viruses that managed to pass through my physical barriers. Hopefully, they'll manage to prevent me from getting sick once I catch up on sleep.
• Unfortunately only 40% of the enzymes in my body are functioning right now. This is an unexpected turn of events and how it will affect the big picture is still not known.
• thankfully, 68% of legal impediments to my posting of the next forecast have been settled and the remaining complainants have agreed to settle out of court.

By next week, the big picture should be clear and the weather for the next 6 months can be accurately forecasted. I'm still praying it will turn out to be sunny with blue skies. For a summary you can view Difficulty Level I on the other channel.

Day 1: The Coolest Wins!

What a day! And I still have 3 more days like this coming up.

It started fairly well. I got into a taxi around 5:30am after staying up all night, but I didn't feel sleepy. I was too... hmmm… excited to feel sleepy. I arrived at EARIST around 6:00am. There were already a lot of examinees there. I guess that was when reality started to sink in. My heart started pounding.

It felt like some form of psychological war was going on. Many appeared to project themselves as totally calm and cool. That made me feel all the more tense about the test. Of course I had to retaliate! I never did bring out my reviewers (nothing would get in my brain anyway) in between subjects. I just played with my cellphone and talked with those I knew.

The exams started around 8am. Biochem was up first. I was too tense to focus on the questions at first. When I finally managed to calm down I realized that I had no idea what the answers were! It was the first subject (out of 12!) and it just had to be like this! Post-exam conversations made me feel even worse. And there was nothing I could do about it except pretend I was totally at ease.

Anatomy was next. I think it rather went smoothly. The last subject was Microbiolgy. It was already around 2pm and my adrenaline was running out. I found myself dozing off several times while reading the questions. Micro was midway between Biochem (groan!) and Anatomy (small smile).

But by the time I got home, my adrenaline was of the rise again. I was ready this time - Midazolam! - of course although it gave me 2 hours of sleep, it also gave me a hangover. I can't walk straight and can't think straight, I can't ttsype sstrsaigfht. :)

That's enough studying for me! I'll just sleep tonight. After Biochemistry, I have nothing to loose tomorrow. Bring it On!

The Blessing of a Primitive Mind

It's already around 4am in the morning and I still haven't slept a wink. I have spent the last 1.5 hours turning around on my bed. Why can't I get some sleep? Good guess would be my appointment for today but I honestly can't say for sure. My mind is in overdrive consuming the energy my body needs for the day and yet the activity isn't focused on anything in particular.

Ask me what I'm thinking about - NOTHING! - that's the problem, there's nothing inside my head, just a bunch of neurons working at full capacity in order to produce NOTHING. How I wish the brain had eyes so I could shut them when I want to rest. No use fighting it.

Our dog, Rusty is sleeping of the floor beside me. I'm sure our cat, Cathy is in his (well, we didn't see his balls till after a month) own dreamworld. At this moment I envy them.

Soothing Tactile Pressure

I enjoy getting body massages. Nothing beats feeling like a mass of jelly after getting a massage. Nothing removes the tension at the moment like massage.

I just had a massage to release some of the tension because of the exams tomorrow and hopefully some of the bad karma :)

The masseuse wasn't that good. I feel like I just came from the gym!

...My burden is light

The sun has finally set. It has been an exhausting week, mentally more than physically. In a few hours, the 1st half of my dreaded 4-day exam will be here. Am I ready? I honestly think I'm not, but then few months back, a professor said that I would never feel ready no matter how much I studied.

I still have a lot of reviewers to go through, but the sun has set and it is my decision to place it in His hands. No matter if I wasted many hours doing other things aside from studying, no matter how unprepared I feel, no matter how tempted I am to read just a few more pages, it doesn't matter.

But I don't feel bad. I'm actually glad that I cannot think of any justifiable reason why I should study these coming 24 hours. My body and mind needs to rest and He knew that many years ago before light ever existed. I praise Him for his wisdom and love.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For My yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:29,30

Equilibrium

Equilibrium

weather
color
nature
no matter, no order

weather gave in to nature
rain withered
wilted flowers with colors covered
despondent liars
winds dispersed as they whispered
and could not be heard

voiced effervescence stirred
evanesced into atmosphere
luminous under thunder
yet lacking any luster
a silenced prayer
waiting to be heard

once roots are severed
alone in character
without blaze or breeze or birds
or weather or color or nature
reverberations converged under
appurtenant anger

as moths circling a fire
burned and hurt
perturbed but alert
vengeance outweighed fear
that no others could reverse
when a saddened seed would soon discern
there is no harbor
for a weathered, colorless flower