Monday, September 9, 2013


I've never been the type of person who has been happy being single. I'm not timid either. In fact, I'm headstrong, assertive, impatient - the kind of person who would rather go at it alone then wait for others to arrive. But, being single has been the source of stress for me. I felt this strong urge to find someone to be an anchor, to quiet the chaos in my mind.

I hated weekends, vacation leaves, movies, eating out because there was this  pressure to find someone to spend them with. Sometimes, the pressure would be too much that I would end up doing stupid things and making stupid decisions that I mostly regretted.

Two things happened recently:
> I had a roomate (who was in a long-term relationship) yet whom I barely knew and didn't talk much with and yet it turned out to be one of the most peaceful nights I've had in a long while.
> I was confronted during a group session on what I feel when I'm alone - I couldn't answer because I didn't know what it was - fear, loneliness, need to belong, lost - it was none of these.

Then a friend suggested that maybe I was looking for stability. And that was it!

But then how could the mere presence of someone I barely knew give me stability?

Then my friend said,
What he has and what he has accomplished is what makes you feel secure and stable. Before you may have thought that feat was but a mere fantasy, like you're chasing your own fairy tale for it to materialize. After long bouts of being proven wrong, you go frantic doubting its existence 
Then here comes him, someone who has the thing you crave the most. You let down your walls because you know he has his down, and why wouldn't he.  It's something that words can't justify.
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