Monday, September 9, 2013

I Used To Write

I've been maintaining a blog since 2005 (even i'm surprised at how long ago that was). It was supposed to be a diary of sorts of my thoughts and feelings. That was when the Internet held some sort of anonymity where it was like a stranger - somehow I can open up easier to strangers.

Things change. Well it's a cliche - "The only constant thing in life is change", but it's true. The internet has evolved and become an extension, and sometimes even takes the place of personal interaction. It has become something familiar and anonymity is almost non-existent.

I've changed. The moody, sensitive, emotional, empathetic "me" has become an apparently impatient, no-nonsense, detached, self absorbed, unemotional "me".

I used to write. But that skill has been neglected for several years and is rusting away. It seems who I am now can't take criticisms well even from my own self. But recent events have brought the past into focus again. It's a scary thought but I might actually really love the person whom I was before - the insecure guy with an almost non-existent self-image. I want him back.

This was some part of "me" before:


Repost: Why I Am Who I AM - August 8, 2008

Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality. 
There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports... There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.
It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.
I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.
So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.

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