Blind Dates

I've had at least 15 so far this year. Technically they weren't blind dates since I had an idea of how they looked like thanks to social networking sites. But pictures don't really give the real 'picture'. It's actually easier to be cool, funny and even sweet and caring over SMS, and instant messengers than it is to be in person.

So how long should one wait before agreeing to meet someone he has "met" online?

I've always thought it a waste of time to get to know someone before agreeing to meet in person. It's not work it to invest days or weeks (!) of exchanging messages and info only to abruptly stop once having met in person. If I want to get to know someone, I'd like to do it the old fashioned way - talking in person.

Stability

I've never been the type of person who has been happy being single. I'm not timid either. In fact, I'm headstrong, assertive, impatient - the kind of person who would rather go at it alone then wait for others to arrive. But, being single has been the source of stress for me. I felt this strong urge to find someone to be an anchor, to quiet the chaos in my mind.

I hated weekends, vacation leaves, movies, eating out because there was this  pressure to find someone to spend them with. Sometimes, the pressure would be too much that I would end up doing stupid things and making stupid decisions that I mostly regretted.

Two things happened recently:

> I had a roomate (who was in a long-term relationship) yet whom I barely knew and didn't talk much with and yet it turned out to be one of the most peaceful nights I've had in a long while.

> I was confronted during a group session on what I feel when I'm alone - I couldn't answer because I didn't know what it was - fear, loneliness, need to belong, lost - it was none of these.

Then a friend suggested that maybe I was looking for stability. And that was it!

But then how could the mere presence of someone I barely knew give me stability?

Then my friend said,

What he has and what he has accomplished is what makes you feel secure and stable. Before you may have thought that feat was but a mere fantasy, like you're chasing your own fairy tale for it to materialize. After long bouts of being proven wrong, you go frantic doubting its existence 

Then here comes him, someone who has the thing you crave the most. You let down your walls because you know he has his down, and why wouldn't he.  It's something that words can't justify.

I Used To Write

I've been maintaining a blog since 2005 (even i'm surprised at how long ago that was). It was supposed to be a diary of sorts of my thoughts and feelings. That was when the Internet held some sort of anonymity where it was like a stranger - somehow I can open up easier to strangers.

Things change. Well it's a cliche - "The only constant thing in life is change", but it's true. The internet has evolved and become an extension, and sometimes even takes the place of personal interaction. It has become something familiar and anonymity is almost non-existent.

I've changed. The moody, sensitive, emotional, empathetic "me" has become an apparently impatient, no-nonsense, detached, self absorbed, unemotional "me".

I used to write. But that skill has been neglected for several years and is rusting away. It seems who I am now can't take criticisms well even from my own self. But recent events have brought the past into focus again. It's a scary thought but I might actually really love the person whom I was before - the insecure guy with an almost non-existent self-image. I want him back.

This was some part of "me" before:

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Repost: Why I Am Who I AM - August 8, 2008

Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality. 

There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports... There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.

It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.

I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.
So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.

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