All I Want for Christmas 2013

Tagged by Aris.
The Rules are:

1. Make a post entitled “All I Want For Christmas 2013” and use the photo above.
2. List 6 things that you want to receive as a gift.
3. Tag 3 friends who will make the same post (no tag backs).
4. Send me the link so I could check it too (optional).

I'm really fond of gadgets so it won't be a surprise why I'm wishing for the following:

> Retina MacBook Pro 15" with maxed out specs

my dream machine. and always out of reach.

> iPad Mini w/ Retina Display

another excuse to get all my reading done :)

> An All-expense paid, pocket money-provided, stress-free/work-free 2-week vacation

Boracay! :)

> A maintenance-free gym bod

i don't really have the discipline or the stamina and the time to achieve this.

> my own condo unit

rent free, of course :) and fully furnished :)

> good health and happiness for my family

tagging That Nishiboy, Corporate Closet, and Manila Gay Guy

Hub Chronicles 1

He plans to propose to his girlfriend this but felt the need to make sure he was "negative" before proposing. He was haunted by his one night stand 4 years ago...

He was 6 months into the relationship when he found out his partner was keeping a secret from him. I asked him why he stayed. He replied that when he entered the relationship it was for life and looking back at the past 6 months, he realized that the sometimes ’odd’ behavior of his partner was because he was trying to protect him. He decided that it was worth the risk to stay in the relationship...

He is in a 3+ year relationship. But he was seduced during a recent party. Now guilt is wreaking havoc on his mind. The good result had no effect whatsoever... And he left just like he arrived - his burden just as heavy...

He is in a 4-month relationship. He noticed he was loosing weight, developed a lung infection and had frequent colds. And yet he didn't practice safe sex. All he wishes for this Christmas was if he really had "it", it would only be him...

He is in a 10+ yr relationship. 3 years ago he had an STI. His partner said it was because of diarrhea. They continued doing things without protection. Recently, his partner tested positive...

Blind Dates

I've had at least 15 so far this year. Technically they weren't blind dates since I had an idea of how they looked like thanks to social networking sites. But pictures don't really give the real 'picture'. It's actually easier to be cool, funny and even sweet and caring over SMS, and instant messengers than it is to be in person.

So how long should one wait before agreeing to meet someone he has "met" online?

I've always thought it a waste of time to get to know someone before agreeing to meet in person. It's not work it to invest days or weeks (!) of exchanging messages and info only to abruptly stop once having met in person. If I want to get to know someone, I'd like to do it the old fashioned way - talking in person.

Stability

I've never been the type of person who has been happy being single. I'm not timid either. In fact, I'm headstrong, assertive, impatient - the kind of person who would rather go at it alone then wait for others to arrive. But, being single has been the source of stress for me. I felt this strong urge to find someone to be an anchor, to quiet the chaos in my mind.

I hated weekends, vacation leaves, movies, eating out because there was this  pressure to find someone to spend them with. Sometimes, the pressure would be too much that I would end up doing stupid things and making stupid decisions that I mostly regretted.

Two things happened recently:

> I had a roomate (who was in a long-term relationship) yet whom I barely knew and didn't talk much with and yet it turned out to be one of the most peaceful nights I've had in a long while.

> I was confronted during a group session on what I feel when I'm alone - I couldn't answer because I didn't know what it was - fear, loneliness, need to belong, lost - it was none of these.

Then a friend suggested that maybe I was looking for stability. And that was it!

But then how could the mere presence of someone I barely knew give me stability?

Then my friend said,

What he has and what he has accomplished is what makes you feel secure and stable. Before you may have thought that feat was but a mere fantasy, like you're chasing your own fairy tale for it to materialize. After long bouts of being proven wrong, you go frantic doubting its existence 

Then here comes him, someone who has the thing you crave the most. You let down your walls because you know he has his down, and why wouldn't he.  It's something that words can't justify.

I Used To Write

I've been maintaining a blog since 2005 (even i'm surprised at how long ago that was). It was supposed to be a diary of sorts of my thoughts and feelings. That was when the Internet held some sort of anonymity where it was like a stranger - somehow I can open up easier to strangers.

Things change. Well it's a cliche - "The only constant thing in life is change", but it's true. The internet has evolved and become an extension, and sometimes even takes the place of personal interaction. It has become something familiar and anonymity is almost non-existent.

I've changed. The moody, sensitive, emotional, empathetic "me" has become an apparently impatient, no-nonsense, detached, self absorbed, unemotional "me".

I used to write. But that skill has been neglected for several years and is rusting away. It seems who I am now can't take criticisms well even from my own self. But recent events have brought the past into focus again. It's a scary thought but I might actually really love the person whom I was before - the insecure guy with an almost non-existent self-image. I want him back.

This was some part of "me" before:

>>>>>>>

Repost: Why I Am Who I AM - August 8, 2008

Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality. 

There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports... There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.

It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.

I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.
So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.

<<<<<<<

Another One Bites the Dust

The 1st mortality since I started my residency. She refused any form of diagnostics for her tongue lesion until it was too late.

It would be understandable if it was just the fear but from interviews, it had more to do with irrational beliefs - the cancer would spread faster if it was probed, it was already there so what good would a biopsy do... etc.

Frustrating part was when she eventually agreed to be treated, the disease had already weakened her that it was only a matter of time.

And time ran out today.

Do We Need A Superman Today?

my sister didn't like Man of Steel. it made me realize - Superman isn't relevant in this generation. He symbolized Hope, Truth, Justice, and Freedom during the Cold War. and because of that he isn't relevant anymore today (Unlike the Avengers, who don't stand for anything, will remain relevant always). Without the Cold War, Superman is just another superhero and a boring one at that because he doesn't have unique powers or doesn't look exotic (like the Hulk). 

Forced Leave

Friday ng umaga nagising ako na stressed. Nakaleave kasi ako for the weekend - ako nalang siguro ang taong galit sa leave. Pero days off pa nga lang hindi ko alam anung gagawin ko. Lagi kasi ako naghahanap ng kasama e lalo na pag ganitong nakaleave. Tapos nagkataon pa na out of town dad ko kaya libre ang sasakyan kaya mas malawak ang choices ng pwedeng puntahan.

Yun nga siguro ang problema, madami ako pwedeng puntahan pero Hindi ko talaga alam saan ko gusto pumunta. Pero sa totoo ang hanap ko talaga ay taong pupuntahan.