???????

Now

I'm at that point where I'm trying to decide - should I stick and content myself with what i've had for the past 2 years? or should i let go and try to find something better?

Sooner or later I'll clear things up about what's going on. But for now I just need to be able to get things out. What do you do when you get to the point where "it's as good as it gets"? Yes, he loves me, BUT he'll never love me the way I love him because he just can't. He loves me the best he can but it'll never be the way I want to be loved.

It would be an easier decision if there was someone to catch me. There are possibilities but you can never be sure until you're 'there'. Should I continue to deny what I want and be content with what is already there?

I know he doesn't love "ME" rather he loves the "WAY" I love him... but isn't that also "ME"? I'm confused. Ironies of ironies - i've about 50+ persons in my phonebook that know about who I am but no one I want to talk to. No one there to understand that I just want someone to listen. I don't want someone who'll fall for me while listening to me. Just someone to listen.

Don't worry, I'm ok. I'm just... ???????

Stranger to Friends

Present

They say the only true friends we have are those made in Highschool. This was true for me. I had 6 years in grade school and 4 years of highschool to strengthen those friendships. We were neighbors, playmates, churchmates, schoolmates. Even if I wasn't really sociable, i had a great circle of friends then.

Then I found out that I really wasn't who I thought myself to be. I couldn't tell my friends... being rejected was the easy part... but their parents were family friends - being humiliated was what I was afraid of.

I never consciously flirt with schoolmates, workmates, or churchmates but I was afraid they would suspect that I was gay. Slowly, I drifted away. I didn't make efforts to communicate with them, even if they were just a phone call, heck even just shouting distance away - what would I tell them anyway? I couldn't tell them about the heartbreaks, about the love found and then lost... I coudn't tell them anything.

I know some of them would accept me and not even mind, but I couldn't risk finding out who would and who wouldn't.

Yes, I've made friends with persons like myself. But who'd want tell their life stories to people who have maybe exactly the same stories and don't know what to do either?

I've become a stranger to my closest friends. I wouldn't be blogging now if it wasn't true.

* * * previous comment/s * * *

Daybyday4-2day: I don't really know if I'm afraid to face the truth.

Loosing Sight of Love

1996 - November 1999

The first few (ok many) hookups were exciting for new. I enjoyed meeting new guys because it was always different everytime. Don't think it was easy. I got turned down more often than not (i'll talk about that later).

But after spending a few hours with someone - going home alone - looking for someone else - make small talk - meet up - spend few hours - go home alone, I realized that I was looking for something else: someone to belong to.

That was harder to do than hooking up. I ended up chatting with guy after guy after guy after guy... setting up several meet-ups a day then going home still feeling lonely. My confidence really went down because of the turn-downs, no-shows, and "one-ways", but still back I went to the chatrooms hoping that maybe this time the right guy would be online.

It became routine and I soon forgot what I was looking for.

* * * previous comments section * * *

BarBarA: Thanks for the link. I left a comment there, too.
DaybyDay4-2day:You've no idea how right you are! :)
Bernadette: I'm a big fan!!! wow!