The Bestfriend

We first met about 14 years ago. I was meeting up with someone I chatted with online. It turned out that he was also meeting up with someone... Make that many someones and what I thought would be a one-on-one occasion turned out to be a group night out with people I met for the first time and he was one of them. He was hard to miss - tall and most annoyingly sociable :) I mean he kept on moving from one person (except me) to another making small talk, making jokes. It seemed as of he was running for public office. Or maybe I was just envious since I was quite the wallflower and I had a crush on him. That group was out of my league so I didn’t really expect to remain in touch with any I met that night.

A few weeks later, while in the chatroom, by coincidence we both happened to be online. He said it was too bad I left relatively early since we wanted to get to know me better. Apparently he has this thing for pitiful guys haha. BUT (the first of many) he was already going steady with someone else.

We seemed to have a few friends in common and we actually met several times a month.

For a reason I cannot remember, I eventually told him how I felt and he didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t take it well and ended up spending 2 nights at a friend’s house with other friends who had issues of their own. Misery really loves company :)

We continued going out with friends and maybe it was the familiarity that made us good friends. One of the rare people I’m not afraid to speak my mind to. And one of the rarer people I feel "safe" with.

Eventually we both finished our college, had relationships, work, other groups of friends, that we got together less and less and eventually all communication just stopped.

After more or less 5 years of no communication, our paths crossed again. I don't even recall how we got back in touch. It was as if we never lost touch. I honestly feel, it felt like a stronger friendship. His relationship of several years was on the rocks and I just recently got out of one.

We went out frequently - coffee shops, comedy bars. Come to think of it, I never bothered to ask, "why?". We just enjoyed each other's company and caught up on the years apart.

3 years ago was my graduation - it was a 2nd graduation so it wasn't such a big deal anymore and I didn't even want anyone to come along. I didn't even want to attend. He volunteered to go. So he slept over the night before the graduation.

Nothing happened that night.

I'm not emphasizing that because something should have happened. Rather, I didn't even consider that anything could happen. There were already 2 episodes in the past where I told him how I felt and that didn't end well for me. And he was my bestfriend and I think somewhere along I accepted that that was all we could be. So, nothing happened.

When we woke up though… how it happened is a mystery to me but we ended up… I ended up beneath him.

And for that short instant everything stood still. Literally, I felt time stop.

In a span of a few seconds several thoughts ran through my mind…
all of them beginning with "What if…"

Then the doorbell rang and time started moving again.

I got up, checked who was at the door, and prepared for my graduation. We never talked about that incident since it happened 3 years ago until a few days ago.

We lost touch again for a few years but this time it was because of something I did. A few days ago, I was on facebook and out of nowhere I just decided to ask him about that incident during my graduation. I had always wanted to know why he hesitated. So this time I asked.

He said he loves/d me - Of course if you say that in the local dialect there's no way of knowing if it's past or present tense - but he was afraid I'd end up cheating on him like his past relationships. I wanted to punch him on the head. After more than 10 years he says that now! and he's presently in a relationship!

I don't think he's lying. There's no reason to. But why say it at all? There's nothing to be done about it. What I feel is even irrelevant because it won't change anything.

But when I say, "I love you", I know it's true on so many levels when it comes to him.