Acceptance

I have made the decision to accept my present circumstances. It's not contentment per se but I am hoping that will follow. I've been fighting my being all along - from my love life, to my schedule, my work, my financial reality - and have made stupid decisions that gave me regrets over the years.

I accept that I am single. Maybe I'll find love again someday but I accept the feeling of being alone for now. Hopefully, that will end those random dates that are more for the sake of company than the quality of company.

I accept that my work schedule will demand to be the priority of my life. All my personal plans are tentative at best because of the unpredictability of my work. I hope that this will put a stop to my compulsive shopping whenever frustration steps in.

I accept my financial status. - which isn't really much right now. I'm in over my head and I can't afford anything new. Everything I have right now works more than adequately for my needs and hobbies. I don't need newer gadgets, I just want them.

I accept myself.

Quality of Life

An 80yr old lady comes into the clinic. She's strong (for her age), sharp mind, good hearing, good eyesight, can walk fairly well with a cane for assistance. She's had a good life - her children have their own families and are doing well. A son is taking good care of her.

She has cancer - a big one in her neck. But otherwise she's fine. She wants to get an operation because, well, it's cancer...

How can I make her understand that it's not that simple a decision? A few years earlier, it would be an easy decision.

She might not survive the surgery. If she does, she might not fully recover and wish she didn't get the surgery in the first place. If she does survive, she might not survive the radiotherapy and chemotherapy that has to come after the surgery. If she does survive, she might not fully recover. If she does fully recover... that's a lot of "IFs".

How can I make her understand that the extra time the surgery MIGHT give her could be spent bedridden and totally dependent on her relatives?

How can I tell her that if she doesn't undergo surgery, she might even die of old age before the cancer kills her?

But then again, I'm not even sure of any of the above. They are all just possibilities.

And yet, I know more than she does. And I know once she undergoes surgery, there is no turning back. The end of her life is inevitably near and the cancer might not even have an effect on her lifespan. And surgery could.

Timed Out

It took 5 years before I finally pushed myself to start residency training. I hated the fact that I would have no time of my own once I started training.

Now, after almost 2 years into my training, I am being coaxed to plan when and where to spend the 15 days vacation leave given to us every year. Reality is I can't afford to go anywhere. What's worse is I don't really feel like going anywhere. Maybe things would be different if there was that "someone" I could spend time with.

I was always afraid that residency would rob me of time for myself. I never expected that I would have some time off and yet have no desire to use it.

Enter the Dragon

I was on hospital duty when the humanity welcomed 2012 and now I'm on duty again as the Year of the Water Dragon will engulf the world. That's 2 New Years. I'm feeling hardpressed to come up with some new years' resolution that should make a better me. So far I've come up with nothing.

It's not as if there is nothing I have to change. It's more of, "where should I start?" I should start showing gratitude and for what I have and stop looking for something I think I want. I have to let those around me know that I appreciate them instead of pretending not to notice. I've got a lot to be thankful for and not a lot to be angry about but yet I act the opposite. My perspective has to change.

Enter the Dragon

[PS: Years of the Dragon should be lucky but the Chinese Zodiac isn't as simple as it sounds. Apparently there are several kinds of Dragons (2012 is the Water Dragon) and every Dragon Year is some body part of a dragon - 2012 is the tail of the dragon - which is the unluckiest of all the dragon years.]

. . .

Here I go again. I seem to be slipping back into a blank state. Can't think of anything to blog about. I guess that's not unexpected since everything is so routine (complaining again) but seriously, it's not bad but the way things are going, there's nothing I can think of that I would like to share with the world. I don't even know what to post on Facebook or Twitter.

2010 is starting off bland.

Listen To Your Gut

Gut feeling, gut instinct, gut, intuition, conscience, small voice, or even the Holy Spirit - call it what you want but we can't deny that there are times when we have this feeling that something is wrong (most of the time) or right. I've had my gut warn me... well actually made me feel that what I was planning wasn't such a good idea. Most of those times I didn't listen and regretted it. [read one explanation of gut feelings]

Every instance I recall being told something it was about the timing of plans of going somewhere. Often I've ignored it and ended up with all sorts of misfortune like loosing stuff, not having a good time, etc.

Just this weekend it happened again. I planned to go out in the afternoon and buy some stuff for an upcoming trip. But when I woke up the morning of that day, I had this 'feeling' to move my plan to following day instead. I almost listened but instead just moved it to a later time in the evening. BIG mistake.

The whole evening was a mess. Tempers (mostly mine) flared and what would have been a great evening christmas shopping became a stressful waste of time. I have this feeling that I missed out on something good because I didn't follow my gut.

I'm reminding myself again - pay attention and listen to my gut feeling because I never know when it'll speak up.

Have you had similar experiences?

Mahogany

Kansas Bob’s post, On Life Space, & Priorities, he posted the story of an astronaut who was space-walking when his daughter was born (back on Earth). Bob commented,

“...I wonder how often the rest of us miss important life events because of work or other seemingly important things.”

When I finished my medical degree, I didn’t go into specialty training because I was burnt out from the many years of school. What I said would be just 2 years has already become 4 years and counting. I could be a specialist by now.

But...

Read more »

Life & Death, and Facebook

I saw this status on a Facebook account of someone I know:

“going home to the Philippines to bury my dad”

It’s shocking news. But I don’t wanna react yet. Maybe the “dad” he refers to is someone else other than his biological father. Someone whom he fondly calls “dad”. I really, really hope it’s not his biological father.

[fingers crossed]

UPDATE: text messages to people around seem to confirm that it's true. Feel so sad suddenly. Heavy heart.

For Better or for Worse

Just had a home call recently. A retired couple requested for me to visit them at their home. The wife was strong and had a sharp mind but the husband was going through regression. If you know someone going through the same thing, you understand how hard it can be on their loved ones.

I don't really know if its hard but I can't see otherwise by looking at them. I don't know how the wife manages to cope. Instead of being partners, she's now a mother again who has to take care of a toddler.

Maybe that's love... Or it might also be resignation to the fact that there's no other choice.

I just think that the wife's life is being wasted. She could still accomplish many things. Instead she's stuck at home taking care (literally) of her husband. How could anyone accept that fate?

(PS: for the past few posts you may have noticed that I have been writing about techy stuff. This is still a personal blog and not a Tech Blog... It's just that since mid-september, I have been caught up in computers / internet again and my social life has taken a vacation)

Describing my Boring Day

I forgot which of those in my blog list tried making it kinda poetic in describing his day. Somehow I've realized that if I blog in English I tend to be a bit formal with my words. I'll be trying out blogging in the vernacular from time to time (with English translation of course). For the meantime here's my day so far:

Woke up to sunshine shining through my window. It was nice to feel some warmth after several weeks of cloudy skies and typhoon-filled weekends. It was my favorite kind of day: hot sunshine and a continuous cool breeze. I call it beach weather.

Had to work for half a day. Nothing much to do except catch up on my reading. As usual, after the first 2-3 pages, I was half asleep. This time I was prepared. I brought audio reviewers too so when I felt groggy enough, I put on my mp3 player and listened instead of read. When work came, I'd feel awake enough to read again... and get sleepy again so back to the audio... after a few cycles, I had a headache.

Lunch came and went and I had to go to the mall and do some errands... bank transactions actually. Weather was still great. Every seemed to be enjoying the day. No one was in a hurry, no blowing of horns, no fast paced walking.

Now that I've spent the last 2 hours waiting in line at 2 banks (it was a long weekend and the end of the month) I'm here at Krispy Kreme enjoying the free wifi while enjoying their donuts and oreo drinks. Hmmmm.... it really is very unhealthy but sweet :D

Standing Still

If you have been long time readers of my blog, I guess you know at least one reason why I don’t use my real name in my facebook account. I don’t even use it here. But the sad thing is this identity is actually who I really am.

However the recent fire that destroyed my highschool forced me to setup another Facebook account using my real name so that I could get in touch with my classmates and former”?” friends from elementary and highschool.

A lot has changed in the last 14 years since we graduated from highschool. My classmates have done something with their lives while I feel I have nothing to show. I still live in the same area, go to church in the same church while they have married, have different last names, had kids, started working abroad, earning a lot…

Sure I have some diplomas to show… but still, except for my age now, I’m almost exactly the same as I was back then. Somehow setting up that 2nd Facebook account doesn’t feel all that good.

Pet Peeve #3: Q & A

I had this professor in college who was a lawyer. He taught Philippine Constitution and Ethics and Logic. The one thing that impressed me was that he insisted that us students answer ONLY what was asked of up. If the question required a “yes” or “no” answer, that was all that was needed. I don’t know if its a cultural thing to Filipinos or that it doesn’t matter where you come from - that you have this tendency to answer more than what the question calls for.

Which brings me to my 3rd Pet Peeve - it really gets on my nerves when people during debates, panel discussions, pageants or any other public presentations don’t seem to listen to the question. I was unfortunate enough to attend church during which students who volunteered for a religious outreach activity were asked some questions about their experience.

There were 3 boys and 4 girls (I think) in that group and listening to their answers one by one really made my face flush with frustration. For example the question, “what was your most memorable experience during the outreach?” the key word being MOST. Still, every one of them gave multiple experiences. And listening to each one answer the question, “Would you still consider joining future outreach activities?” with YES, because blah blah blah blah really got to me.

I picked a bad time to leave my mobile phones at home. Texting is my stress outlet, and during this time I was really getting stressed out.