1st Runner Up

I finally got the courage to approach him at the gym. Maybe because I was coming down with the flu that's why I actually did this stupid thing. Anyway, I asked if he'd like to grab something to eat when he was done. Meanwhile, I could continue working on my report while waiting.

He actually agreed.

About 15 minutes later, he came over to where I was working. He gave me this excuse that he had to finish some year-end reports and couldn't join me.

I know better. He met someone else in that short period of time. No harm done, except to my pride and ego.

So this is what it feels to be the 1st runner-up.

Say What You Mean

from a post on one of the blogs I follow:

"...I like reading newbies - they are less presumptuous. For new bloggers, continue writing. Write what you think. Say what you need. Mean what you say. In the meantime, I will follow what I preach."

It hit home. I've known for quite a while that I don't really blog exactly what I'm thinking nor do I write exactly what I want to. There have been several times when I catch myself trying to make things vague or a bit blurred so to speak.

Blogging has become exactly like the real world.

Wish I could just let it all out without filtering my words or censoring myself.

Maybe my blog has been loosing its identity. I don't think it can live up to its name anymore. I guess in 2008 I was able to pretty much tell things about myself as is but in 2009, it wasn't the same. I haven't even been able to talk about my relationships.

But I have to consider also that blogging, just like talking is my way of letting out steam. Yeh, when I have problems, I need to talk. No advice needed, I just need to rant and rant and then I'm good :D

When things are going acceptably, that's when I have to try harder to blog and even then it's usually about light stuff and things that aren't really personal. I have to change that but first I really have to come up with things I want to blog about :D

Am I Anti-Social?

I don't think I'm anti-social and I don’t think that I’m a loner either but somehow spending time with many friends at a party, dinner, or just a get together always leaves me exhausted. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy going out with friends. I do, and that makes it even harder to explain why the feeling of exhaustion afterwards to the point that I minimize the times I go out just because of that.

Do you sometimes feel the same way?

Listen To Your Gut

Gut feeling, gut instinct, gut, intuition, conscience, small voice, or even the Holy Spirit - call it what you want but we can't deny that there are times when we have this feeling that something is wrong (most of the time) or right. I've had my gut warn me... well actually made me feel that what I was planning wasn't such a good idea. Most of those times I didn't listen and regretted it. [read one explanation of gut feelings]

Every instance I recall being told something it was about the timing of plans of going somewhere. Often I've ignored it and ended up with all sorts of misfortune like loosing stuff, not having a good time, etc.

Just this weekend it happened again. I planned to go out in the afternoon and buy some stuff for an upcoming trip. But when I woke up the morning of that day, I had this 'feeling' to move my plan to following day instead. I almost listened but instead just moved it to a later time in the evening. BIG mistake.

The whole evening was a mess. Tempers (mostly mine) flared and what would have been a great evening christmas shopping became a stressful waste of time. I have this feeling that I missed out on something good because I didn't follow my gut.

I'm reminding myself again - pay attention and listen to my gut feeling because I never know when it'll speak up.

Have you had similar experiences?

Doomed Relationships

Until I realized Why I Am Who I Am, my relationships were all doomed. I was attracted to individuals who had the attributes I didn't - looks, a sense of humor, a nice physique. That's not so different from others, right? but where others were actually attracted physically to others, mine was more of a need. (deep, *sigh*)

I thought it was love...

It wasn't.

It was just me trying to make up for my insecurities by constantly needing to be with someone who had the attributes I wanted. I ended up loosing myself. I was possessive, jealous, controlling and eventually desperate when reality would set it that I was still "me" and would never be the person I was with.

In most of those relationships, I lost myself because I kept identifying with my partner - the person I wanted to be. Without that person, I felt I was nothing. Reality would strike when we were with other people. Others would be attracted to my partner but not to me and that totally destroyed that fantasy I was living in. What I thought was jealousy was envy.

Some of them actually cared for me, but I rarely gave them the chance to show it. I was the one who handled the relationship, made the decisions... in reality I was telling them in my own way that "this is the way I want to be treated" BUT I never felt I deserved to be treated that way. I was skeptical at the few people that actually showed they cared for me, thinking them to be desperate or stupid.

I became a "martyr" in my relationships. I couldn't bring myself to do things for myself without feeling guilty. It was always my partner - the person I wanted to be - who came first, because deep inside I wanted that person to be me... So I was doing things for me (psychologically) but never really feeling it = frustration = depression = interpersonal conflicts