Not As Simple

Before I continue my story I guess I have to clarify a few things. I know that my post Why I Am Who I Am and subsequent posts didn't really sound as if they were life changing. That's the reason I wasn't able to post it for the past 3 years - I don't know how to put into words how much regret and "what-ifs" are in that post.

I guess we're all looking at it as the adults we are now and things seem trivial. How I wish I knew the things I know now back then when I was a kid.

Yes it was INSECURITY, low self esteem that I blame for the direction I was pushed in - I say "pushed" because when realization stepped in, it was too late to go back.

Oh, I have nice things to say about myself when I was a kid... I was studious, obedient, friendly, kind, God-fearing, intelligent... the inside stuff was AOK! but somehow that didn't matter to me. It was the outside that counted. I wasn't vain but its really hard to explain *sigh*

My only defense is that throughout the 10 years of elementary and highschool I struggled with myself. I couldn't ask others for help because I myself didn't know what was wrong. The concept that I was headed towards an alternative lifestyle NEVER EVER entered my mind until college... I wish I considered it earlier.

Anyways, my story goes on...

Doomed Relationships

Until I realized Why I Am Who I Am, my relationships were all doomed. I was attracted to individuals who had the attributes I didn't - looks, a sense of humor, a nice physique. That's not so different from others, right? but where others were actually attracted physically to others, mine was more of a need. (deep, *sigh*)

I thought it was love...

It wasn't.

It was just me trying to make up for my insecurities by constantly needing to be with someone who had the attributes I wanted. I ended up loosing myself. I was possessive, jealous, controlling and eventually desperate when reality would set it that I was still "me" and would never be the person I was with.

In most of those relationships, I lost myself because I kept identifying with my partner - the person I wanted to be. Without that person, I felt I was nothing. Reality would strike when we were with other people. Others would be attracted to my partner but not to me and that totally destroyed that fantasy I was living in. What I thought was jealousy was envy.

Some of them actually cared for me, but I rarely gave them the chance to show it. I was the one who handled the relationship, made the decisions... in reality I was telling them in my own way that "this is the way I want to be treated" BUT I never felt I deserved to be treated that way. I was skeptical at the few people that actually showed they cared for me, thinking them to be desperate or stupid.

I became a "martyr" in my relationships. I couldn't bring myself to do things for myself without feeling guilty. It was always my partner - the person I wanted to be - who came first, because deep inside I wanted that person to be me... So I was doing things for me (psychologically) but never really feeling it = frustration = depression = interpersonal conflicts

Why I Am Who I Am

Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality.

There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports...

There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.

It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.

I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.

So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.

My Reason for Blogging

the purpose of my blogging was supposedly to let other people get to know who I really am, the way I know myself. It's been 3 years since I've started blogging and I haven't been able to finish the post which should have been the very 1st one: "Why I Am Who I Am"

This isn't even that post, yet. Why the long delay? I've gotten through a few drafts these past years and I haven't followed through because It either was too long or too boring, usually a combination of both.

I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that there's really no big event that took place that lead me in this direction. Who I am now was not a result of a dramatic incident. And my life really isn't that exciting.

But I'll try (maybe successfully this time) to actually post the things on my mind. Let's hope that the transition from though to written words will be as smooth as possible.

I'm Back!

hello friends and readers. It's been quite a while - almost 3 months - before I could come up with something to write. It's difficult being a bit of a compulsive person because if there's nothing to stimulate me to write, i can't think of anything no matter how hard I try.

I'm sorry i haven't been keeping up with your lives either. I'll try to keep up starting now.

For those who know me, at least you know that whenever I go quiet, it means that my life has become so monotonous that I have nothing to write about... but it also means that things are Ok.

I'm back and I'll try to stay