March 31
Well, it appears that I shouldn't have felt ??????? at all. I received a text message from him saying that he thought it was best that be took time off from each other so we could think things through. He said he felt selfish because he felt that I was spending more time with my friends (instead of with him).
It's true that he was selfish. He wanted my undivided attention, he wanted me to love him without expectations. I think the reason he kept telling me this during our months together was because he knew he couldn't love me the way I love him.
He didn't use me. And I know that he loved me - as much as he could - he loved me. In thought and in words (and on text messages) I felt he really cared for me. But that wasn't true in actions.
Maybe he did love me because of the way I loved him... but I don't even care about that. As much as he (his personality and his being straight) could love a gay guy, he pretty much gave his all.
That's what hurts right now. I think we both wanted us to work out but we reached our limits. He was my ideal partner, while I was (aside from being a guy) everything his ego needed. He needed to feel loved (maybe i'll explain why in other posts) and I gave him that. In return he loved me, too.
I'll never find someone like him. I always thought I was lucky to be given a chance to have a relationship with someone like him, and I still feel the same way. I knew it would end sometime and I always prayed it would be a peaceful separation. It was - no painful words, no sarcasm, no violence... just private tears on my side (I'm betting there were some on his side too).
It hurts differently when you accept that you have to go separately ways because you've already loved each other as much as you can. The pain is there but its not agonizing. I feel his absence but there's this understanding inside me that we did our best and stopped while we were ahead. I love him.
*** comments on ??????? ***
Layla, It feels so great to have someone understand. I don't know if this holds true with you but i'd rather take my chances with someone I love than someone who loves me. Thanks for reading.
DaybyDay4-2day, wow! you have no idea how big an issue that is for me. I'm preparing a post just on what i have to say about loving one's self
the good thing is that you can always keep that love even whe you are no longer with some one. I still have love for people that I had relationships with and I've been married for almost 20 years.
ReplyDeleteOh, I feel your pain seeping through your pores onto the keyboard and into the words you wrote. I do believe that there is someone just as special out there, of course we can't KNOW that, but my "most special guy that could never be replaced" was replaced eventually with someone even better!
ReplyDeleteI guess I don't understand the dynamics of your relationship since he's not gay...I don't want to get too personal, but did you kiss and stuff or was it more of a friendship?
I am praying that the grief you feel now will lessen a little each day. You are a wonderful person who deserves someone that will love him completely.
I really don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteBut I can feel something while I was reading your post. It honestly grabbed something inside of me and I felt that urge to cry.
Your love was real, to both of you. It just so happened that it was destined not to work out in a way.
i'm sorry to hear this.
ReplyDeletemay
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