I Wish You Had a Heart / Mind

"What do you wish people had for the members of the LGBT community - A heart that truly cares or a mind that truly understands?"

This was the final question in a recently concluded pageant. While many people would argue about the power of love and that love conquers all, I personally think that it's not the lack of love that is that problem but rather the lack of understanding.

In fact, the people whom we are afraid will hurt us are often the ones closest to us - friends and family. These people love us. Ironically they hurt us out of love - because they think they're doing what is best for us. We are often also afraid to tell them the truth because we don't know if they will understand.

Real acceptance will only come with real undestanding. And acceptance in this case doesn't always require the presence of love.

The Bestfriend

We first met about 14 years ago. I was meeting up with someone I chatted with online. It turned out that he was also meeting up with someone... Make that many someones and what I thought would be a one-on-one occasion turned out to be a group night out with people I met for the first time and he was one of them. He was hard to miss - tall and most annoyingly sociable :) I mean he kept on moving from one person (except me) to another making small talk, making jokes. It seemed as of he was running for public office. Or maybe I was just envious since I was quite the wallflower and I had a crush on him. That group was out of my league so I didn’t really expect to remain in touch with any I met that night.

A few weeks later, while in the chatroom, by coincidence we both happened to be online. He said it was too bad I left relatively early since we wanted to get to know me better. Apparently he has this thing for pitiful guys haha. BUT (the first of many) he was already going steady with someone else.

We seemed to have a few friends in common and we actually met several times a month.

For a reason I cannot remember, I eventually told him how I felt and he didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t take it well and ended up spending 2 nights at a friend’s house with other friends who had issues of their own. Misery really loves company :)

We continued going out with friends and maybe it was the familiarity that made us good friends. One of the rare people I’m not afraid to speak my mind to. And one of the rarer people I feel "safe" with.

Eventually we both finished our college, had relationships, work, other groups of friends, that we got together less and less and eventually all communication just stopped.

After more or less 5 years of no communication, our paths crossed again. I don't even recall how we got back in touch. It was as if we never lost touch. I honestly feel, it felt like a stronger friendship. His relationship of several years was on the rocks and I just recently got out of one.

We went out frequently - coffee shops, comedy bars. Come to think of it, I never bothered to ask, "why?". We just enjoyed each other's company and caught up on the years apart.

3 years ago was my graduation - it was a 2nd graduation so it wasn't such a big deal anymore and I didn't even want anyone to come along. I didn't even want to attend. He volunteered to go. So he slept over the night before the graduation.

Nothing happened that night.

I'm not emphasizing that because something should have happened. Rather, I didn't even consider that anything could happen. There were already 2 episodes in the past where I told him how I felt and that didn't end well for me. And he was my bestfriend and I think somewhere along I accepted that that was all we could be. So, nothing happened.

When we woke up though… how it happened is a mystery to me but we ended up… I ended up beneath him.

And for that short instant everything stood still. Literally, I felt time stop.

In a span of a few seconds several thoughts ran through my mind…
all of them beginning with "What if…"

Then the doorbell rang and time started moving again.

I got up, checked who was at the door, and prepared for my graduation. We never talked about that incident since it happened 3 years ago until a few days ago.

We lost touch again for a few years but this time it was because of something I did. A few days ago, I was on facebook and out of nowhere I just decided to ask him about that incident during my graduation. I had always wanted to know why he hesitated. So this time I asked.

He said he loves/d me - Of course if you say that in the local dialect there's no way of knowing if it's past or present tense - but he was afraid I'd end up cheating on him like his past relationships. I wanted to punch him on the head. After more than 10 years he says that now! and he's presently in a relationship!

I don't think he's lying. There's no reason to. But why say it at all? There's nothing to be done about it. What I feel is even irrelevant because it won't change anything.

But when I say, "I love you", I know it's true on so many levels when it comes to him.

the OC

 I have this obssessive-compulsive tendency. It usually is under control but when I'm stressed out, the control goes away. I was just thinking about these past few months and I realized that the 2 best decisions I've made in the past 5 months had nothing to do with proper planning and careful assessment.

The 1st was entering that group dance class at the gym. It just happened that all the attendees that day were female and I really didn't have any talent in dancing. I was just staring at the class for a few minutes and just decided to go in and join. Never regretted doing that since.

The 2nd happened was on Chinese New Year's day. I was pissed off because of the schedule changes in my duty and I had to stay a few hours longer at work. I ended up with an iPhone 4S that evening which was and is totally worth the cost.

It seems that the major decisions I make are either when my stress levels are peaking or when I'm stupidly infatuated with someone (and finding that someone is stressing me out). Today is a holiday. I shouldn't be on duty. But I am. And I'm angry. I'm trying to find a way to calm down but so far nothing comes to mind. This is one of those times when I'm bound to do something stupid.

Tell Me, All Is Well

It wasn't a week to be proud of. Mistakes were made and tempers (mine most of he time) were flying. We tried our best to be professional with the other even if our personal opinion of the other was far from friendly.

Even the slowest to loose her temper, lost it when she crossed paths with the staff of another section who (maybe) was having her own bad day. She was trembling from trying to control her anger. And then she said that in times like these, she wanted to go home to her kid and husband whom she was sure would calm her nerves.

Three days earlier, I was in her situation. The anger kept me restless and sleepless for 2 nights. It was futile trying to calm down, to try to control my frustration. Even trying to forgive didn't work.

I was looking for some way to rechannel the anger and convert it to something else. I tried of thinking of something stupidly expensive to buy (the last time this happened… well, I have an iPhone now) and ended up ordering a lens for my DSLR but thankfully the weather made me cancel the exchange. Watching a movie didn't work. Sex… well, I don't think that would work either (was worried it would just add to the frustration).

SMS, IMs, PMs, tweets…

In the end you realize that all you need is someone to hold you tight and say, "everything's going to be all right."

Ties that Bind

My "generation" of cousins were just kids during our 1st reunion. It was like christmas - we were still easily awed by simple things. The internet was unknown. There were no cellphones yet. Telegrams and snail mail were still used. Travel was stressful but was an adventure in our eyes. Playing in the corn fields, chasing fireflies and swimming with water buffalos - That was our age of innocence.



In our 3rd reunion, a younger generation of cousins were present. They grew up overseas under the influence of the internet. My generation was still finding our way through our chosen careers.

This April we will be having another reunion. Our grandmother - the matriarch of our family - has turned 80 and is the major reason for the reunion. It is a big possibility that this will be her last. We are now all grown up and many cousins have married and some have kids of their own. We used to be less than a thousand miles apart but now it’s time zones that separate us. And yet, the world is smaller because of Facebook.

Because of our different schedules and the logistics involved we will only be complete on the evening of April 5th. The next day, some will have to go on their way. But that short time will be enough to strengthen the ties that bind us as a family.

I wonder if we’ll ever have another reunion when our grandma isn’t present anymore. She is the core in which all our family ties intersect. It’s fortunate that somehow I will be present.