Our Only "Mistake"?

One of the Seasons was found out by his parents. It wasn't his choice, but someone else outed him because of selfish reasons. He's going through a difficult time right now.

"...I've been good kid, son, a brother - with my whole life; with one "mistake?" they cannot accept and understand me. I am not a killer, neither nor a gambler, to be hated and treated this way. I am their son, their brother..."

It breaks my heart. I know what he feels. It's not just the words you hear from the people you love that hurt, its the feeling that you're a disappointment to them, that you've hurt them. I don't know which is worse.

Sometimes I'd like to shout to everyone's face that it wasn't a choice, there wasn't a defining moment when anyone of us chose this path. It isn't an illness that can be cured.

As Good As It Gets

A year ago I made this post about my then 2-year relationship. Basically I wanted more than what the person could offer. I knew I was loved, but I wanted to feel that I was, not just know.

I let go of that person then. But that was the person I really really wanted things to work out with. I wanted be content with what I had. I tried to rationalize that physical expressions of affection - hugs, cuddles, kisses, an arm on your shoulder was not as important as loyalty and KNOWING that I am loved.

But I couldn't be content. I let go. I wasn't the only one who got hurt.

Now, after a year we crossed paths again. Everything feels the same. I haven't lost any feelings I had before. Everything and everyone around me just vanishes whenever we're together. I know I've been missed as well. I know that we both want to say that things will be the same again.

Nothing has changed. That's what's holding me back. Nothing has changed. I am still loved but I want to feel it, too.

There's always this question: "would you rather be with someone you love? or with someone who loves you?" - I always answer, "with the one I love."

Then why is it so difficult now?

Envy

Barbara said that it's human nature to want what other's have... then I'm VERY, VERY human! I came across this video on youtube. Instead of going "awwwww", "how cute", "i'm happy for them"... this turned out to be the most depressing video i've seen:

I've been to exactly 2 of those same places where those pictures where taken. I was there with someone special, too. But it wasn't the same... what that video showed, i felt... but somehow it wasn't mutual.

I want what they have; what they share; the friends with whom they could be themselves enough to have their pictures taken like that; to have feelings reciprocated...

...and it's just purely coincidence that my ipod is now playing "Mine Again" by Mariah Carey!

... there go the tears

I was there. I made a video out of the pics, too, 2 years ago. I was just always behind the camera waiting to be invited into the spotlight.

It's not the person I want back, I've moved on. I just want the feelings back.

Technorati Tags: envy,love,reminiscing,pain,regrets

Seasons

Often, the friendships that last are those we made in High School. I think I've lost most of those but I'm fortunate to have found good friends in the various groups I've been. It's actually easier to find a romantic partner (whether short- or long-term) than to find good friends in my world.

I've found 3 good friends. Of course we have to call ourselves something... "SEASONS".. I guess some of you are laughing but I'm happy the way things are :). By the way I'm autumn haha!

Since we're on the subject of happiness, I'm happy for my 3 friends. They're all going steady with someone. What gets me is that it makes it more difficult to feel happy for myself. One of these days we're all going to go out; maybe for dinner, badminton, bowling... I'll be the odd-man out - no one to hold my hand, to whisper sweet-nothings to...

If I don't go out with them, I'll feel and look pathetic. But if I do...

Don't get me wrong they're great to be with. Just can't help but feel at bit envious (ok, maybe a lot).

(Sigh) Leaves are falling.

Technorati Tags: friends,friendship,dating

Choosing to be Happy

In a previous post by my blogger friend, Barbara, she asked the opinion of her readers if happiness was really a choice. I agreed that happiness is a conscious choice we make. But again I'm presently realizing that it's a difficult choice and it always depends on how contented we are with what we have.

When I say it's a choice, I automatically try to be happy but that's not the way it works. All I end up doing is pretending to be happy, hoping that somehow what I'm showing on the outside will overcome what I really feel inside.

It's not happiness when you're smiling with a heavy heart. Making the choice   to be happy is the easy part. Feeling happy is the hard part

There is one sure way to be happy, though - help others. That never fails. Maybe because when you're helping others you forget about yourself and you feel happy when that person gets through his or her ordeal. Of course you'll again go back to your miserable self afterwards... That's why you have to help another person.