up to the word "meaning", I feel exactly the same way. I feel I'm a failure to myself, my parents, my friends... mostly everyone. The persons I don't think I've failed don't make me feel appreciated, so I guess that's another failure in judgment
I have no idea what to do next. Wish I could just get away. But then that would make me a bigger failure.
How I wish I know what direction to go. Even just a point in the right direction would help.
I am chewing on that word failure Rygel.. wondering if anyone ever really fails in life.. maybe life is just something to be lived.. maybe we experience a sense of failure only when we live from our heads instead of from our heart? Our heads are good to use when we are solving problems but are poor substitutes for living. Self doubting and fear both come from our heads.. we compare ourselves to others', and our own, expectations, and feel like we have "failed".
ReplyDeleteIn truth individual failures are essential to living - they are mile-markers on the journey helping to give us wisdom and find our own path. Living from our innermost being is such a challenge because it often means rejecting the brainy stuff and living from our gut.
I suggest that you start with the idea that your new heart is good and that you need to strengthen it.
Hope this did not come off as preachy - feel free to delete it if it is. I appreciate you and wish you all the best!
-Bob
Rygel, it hurts me to see you think of yourself as a failure. You're not. Can I be blunt? I think you have depression and its causing you to feel this way. Just a thought, but have you looked into that? What Bob said is below is so true. Read his comment and think about it, okay? I care about you very much. The second we "met" online years ago I knew you were special. You are. Very. Special. Things will get better
ReplyDeleteNo way am I deleting this :D You're right about expectations making me feel this way... and some of them are my own expectations. I just regret some decisions I've made and am hopeless in making up for lost time. I feel I've wasted several years and I could have be a lot better than I am now. Thank you for the lift
ReplyDeleteDepression is right for the moment. Regrets, indecisiveness all mixed in. It seems so small compared to what you've been through and your stories actually give me a boost because they always show that things will be better in time. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are what you think.. so stop thinking that you are a failure.. :)
ReplyDeleteI am a master (I think I hold a black belt) when it comes to regrets and self-flagellation Rygel. The problem with fixating on past failures is that it keeps me in the past and hinders me in moving forward. What I try to do anymore is simply take one day at a time and trust in Providence.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Barbara said - you are very special.. I sense a compassionate soul when I read your writings. It takes some of us many many years to develop the level of compassion you seem to have. The world desperately needs a man like you. Hang in there - one day you may look back and see God's fingerprints on these times.. the road is sometimes hard.. life sometimes sucks.. the way to wholeness is difficult.. but the man you are becoming is worth the struggle.
ReplyDeleteHey, shrug it off. That will soon pass, you know. Please don't think of me as presumptuous. Let me just say that although you can't control what's happening all around you and the people who you think matter? At least you have a say in how you react to these things.
ReplyDeleteIf that doesn't work, here's another one: Boracay. Hope all is well by the time you've read this comment. :)