In psychiatry I learned that behavioral & personality disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, Somatoform Disorder result from the inability of a person to deal with anxiety or stress. Treatment takes place over a long period of time in which success means that the client has achieved self-awareness and now can consciously find ways to cope with the anxiety and stress whatever the cause.
I didn't go into therapy. I don't think I reached the point where I could be diagnosed with any disorder although I do have some obsessive-compulsive traits. But like those undergoing treatment, achieving self-awareness has been a slow process (and is still ongoing).
But is achieving self-awareness really worth it if it makes you realize that more than 10 years of your life has been wasted? I've drifted away from good friends, missed out on many opportunities to be happy because I couldn't love myself, became attracted to people for the wrong reasons, prioritized the wrong things... I sometimes think that it's better to know nothing at all.
The "what ifs" haunt me everyday:
"what if" I received more support to improve myself physically years back?
"what if" there was a better balance between studies and social activities?
"what if..."
"what if..."
"WHAT IF..."
That's closely followed by regrets and blaming. At which point in the past should I have taken charge of my life? Was it only that pill that could have brought about hope?
I feel that I'm only starting to live right now. Memories of the past are blurred. Only very few stand out and even those are now painful to remember because no matter how good they 
were, they are wasted experiences because I went through them with the wrong perception and for the wrong reasons.
I wish I could have 10 years of my life back - my high school and college years where good friends and lovers should have been found, where memorable relationships should have been build... where life should have started for me.... where I didn't have to live a lie.
How the @#%^*! do you move forward if you don't know which way forward is!
learn to say goodbye to 'could have beens' or 'life is yours to miss'.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will be any consolation, but at least you are seeing all of this now rather than in another ten years. You may not clearly see which way forward is, but in watching you from afar I can see that you are MOVING FORWARD right now! Just don't stop.
ReplyDeleteBarbara is exactly right. You can't do anything about the ten years you already wasted, and I wouldn't be too hard on yourself over that, anyway. What's important is what you do now, and that you're now in a position where you can choose not to waste the next ten years as well.
ReplyDeleteBesides, I strongly believe that even the "wasted" years in our past tend to bring about something of value. It's a part of what brought us to where we are and needs to be honored right along with the times in our lives that we're more proud of.
But it takes time to come to realize this, I think.
I have gone through this myself. I have wished many times that I knew then what I know now and wondered what I would have, could have, done. I used to think that I wasted so many years but now I understand that every clueless year was a life experience in itself and one which I can use to benefit others today.
ReplyDeletei have learned in my own journey that the difficult thing about living is the fact that we do not live fully in the present. if there is a pill that will force us to do that, everybody will be happy.
ReplyDeleteyou are not alone in your journey.