Before I continue my story I guess I have to clarify a few things. I know that my post Why I Am Who I Am and subsequent posts didn't really sound as if they were life changing. That's the reason I wasn't able to post it for the past 3 years - I don't know how to put into words how much regret and "what-ifs" are in that post.
I guess we're all looking at it as the adults we are now and things seem trivial. How I wish I knew the things I know now back then when I was a kid.
Yes it was INSECURITY, low self esteem that I blame for the direction I was pushed in - I say "pushed" because when realization stepped in, it was too late to go back.
Oh, I have nice things to say about myself when I was a kid... I was studious, obedient, friendly, kind, God-fearing, intelligent... the inside stuff was AOK! but somehow that didn't matter to me. It was the outside that counted. I wasn't vain but its really hard to explain *sigh*
My only defense is that throughout the 10 years of elementary and highschool I struggled with myself. I couldn't ask others for help because I myself didn't know what was wrong. The concept that I was headed towards an alternative lifestyle NEVER EVER entered my mind until college... I wish I considered it earlier.
Anyways, my story goes on...
I am enjoying your story Rygel.. look forward to readng more.
ReplyDeleteJust one thought for your consideration. I think that.. in a sense.. one can always go back.. not all decisions are eternal.. not all choices are irreversible. The bible is full of stories of people like Jacob who wrestled with God and were changed.
That said I just need to say that this is in no way meant to be a criticism of you or your life.. just a thought for your consideration.
-Bob
thanks bob... i understand what you mean... I'm trying my best also, but some consequences of the decisions or circumstances i've been through can't be change.. But I believe in God, and nothing is impossible.
ReplyDeleteThe concept that I was headed towards an alternative lifestyle NEVER EVER entered my mind until college... I wish I considered it earlier.
ReplyDeleteHow do you think you'd be different if you had?
Seithman, I like that question. I'll answer it in a future post :) I need time to think about that
ReplyDelete