Until I realized Why I Am Who I Am, my relationships were all doomed. I was attracted to individuals who had the attributes I didn't - looks, a sense of humor, a nice physique. That's not so different from others, right? but where others were actually attracted physically to others, mine was more of a need. (deep, *sigh*)
I thought it was love...
It wasn't.
It was just me trying to make up for my insecurities by constantly needing to be with someone who had the attributes I wanted. I ended up loosing myself. I was possessive, jealous, controlling and eventually desperate when reality would set it that I was still "me" and would never be the person I was with.
In most of those relationships, I lost myself because I kept identifying with my partner - the person I wanted to be. Without that person, I felt I was nothing. Reality would strike when we were with other people. Others would be attracted to my partner but not to me and that totally destroyed that fantasy I was living in. What I thought was jealousy was envy.
Some of them actually cared for me, but I rarely gave them the chance to show it. I was the one who handled the relationship, made the decisions... in reality I was telling them in my own way that "this is the way I want to be treated" BUT I never felt I deserved to be treated that way. I was skeptical at the few people that actually showed they cared for me, thinking them to be desperate or stupid.
I became a "martyr" in my relationships. I couldn't bring myself to do things for myself without feeling guilty. It was always my partner - the person I wanted to be - who came first, because deep inside I wanted that person to be me... So I was doing things for me (psychologically) but never really feeling it = frustration = depression = interpersonal conflicts
There's so much in this post that I can relate to.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed with how well you are able to identify these things about yourself. Being introspective can be helpful WHEN we take what we see and make changes. Rygel, you are such a great guy and I think there are a lot of us who can relate to much of what you said here. I hope with all my heart that you, Seithman and I all meet the men of our dreams - the one that will appreciate and love us for who we are. I think we still need to learn to believe that we are worthy of that love. Sigh. I hope you take this comment in the way that it was intended...from someone who cares.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara (second time today!) - I think we still need to learn to believe that we are worthy of that love.
ReplyDeletethanks for your comments. the sad thing is maybe someone did love me for who i was but I was too preoccupied with my misery to notice that person if there was one then.
ReplyDeletei'm having difficulty putting together how to tell my story. so please bear with me :)